LGBT Me: Your Everyday is My Secret Life

I invest a significant amount of the space on this blog to my life as a trans woman.  Indeed, I invest a significant amount of my life dealing with issues of being a trans woman.  I think this in some ways overshadows the fact that I am also gay.  You may split hairs if you like, people often do.  Yes, I am genetically of the male sex, and that fact makes my relationship with a woman “perfectly normal.”  Thank you Doctor Ruth.  The truth is, whether you think of me as male or female (I greatly appreciate if you would NOT think of me as male, but I do not control your brain… yet), I am still gay… or some clever version on the spectrum.  I am attracted, somewhat equally, to both men and women.  And because I have acted at various times in my life on both of those attractions, considering me gay is technically accurate.

More importantly, that I am (regardless of my birth sex) a woman, and because I am legally married to a woman, I am gay.  Yes, we were legally married BY the state of Texas.  We found a tiny loophole… well… not tiny.  As a gay person, it has been impossible to overlook all of the recent discussions about the rights of gay people, of what constitutes equality under the law, and on what basis the law of the land should exist.  I find the discussion, and the vast majority of the arguments in the debate repugnant, honestly, and I would like very much not to have to think about it anymore.  The thing is, we cannot stop thinking about it.  It is not possible.  The reality struck me especially firmly this morning in the course of a casual conversation with a coworker.

One of the big criticisms I hear coming from the hetero-community is the notion that any sign of affection between gay people is “throwing our sexuality in people’s faces.”  Do not panic, I have no plan to start whipping out research data or statistics; I intend only to speak from personal experiences.  If you choose to criticize my lack of a scientific approach, that is your right.  I spend enough time on that crap doing schoolwork – I write here for catharsis, not scholarly recognition.  And now back to our featured program.  Another sweeping generalization that just goads me is this rhetoric about how our rights are somehow trampling the rights of decent (christian) Americans.

I walked into my place of work this morning at the same time as a coworker who sits near me.  We are friendly, but we have never had a conversation.  That changed this morning, briefly, when we exchanged casual pleasantries and a little small talk, which led to her discussing an anecdote involving her husband.  The complete ease with which her marital status was revealed and the underlying assumption that this was a completely normal and acceptable part of life completely set me back.  I tried to envision so casually referring to my partner in a similar way with someone I knew equally as little about as she about me.  The thought is unfathomable.

That is not to say I am ashamed, or that I have any particular hang ups about who I am; it is just a very different reality.  A straight person can discuss her marriage, her relationships, and even her relationship adversities without any thought of how it may impact someone’s views of her.  Imagine knowing that revealing details about your relationship to someone you just met could lead to awkwardness, or worse, to mistreatment or discrimination… or worse still, to some physical danger.  People in mixed race relationships, I am sure also share this reality – or at least once did.  For a straight person, this thought must be completely foreign, but for those of my readers who are straight; try for a moment to imagine living in that reality.

This is not a matter of being concerned about how people see me, or about whether or not I am liked; this is a concern for how people will affect my life based on their beliefs.  That is a real problem.  So, I ask, who's rights are really being marginalized here, and who is truly “throwing their sexuality in people’s faces?”  I have to watch opposite sex couples engage in public displays of affection almost every day.  I listen to heterosexual people discuss their relationships every day.  And on top of it all, I also have to listen to those same individuals discuss whether or not they believe they should bestow some gift of equality upon people like me, as if the right is theirs to grant in the first place.

I have done a lot of thinking about this whole equality question, and I have decided to start a different campaign – a campaign that is laughable and ridiculous, but a campaign that by its very ridiculousness highlights the absurdity of this whole debate.  I think the federal government should pass a constitutional amendment eradicating legal recognition of married status on the grounds that it is a discriminatory practice founded on religious doctrine, which by definition cannot be recognized or endorsed by the government.

If legal marriage is not equally applicable to all American citizens, it should be applicable to none.  And that is enough of my rambling for one evening.

Please remember to tip your bartenders and waitresses.  Thank you and good night!

Peace and Smooches,

Kate

Harassment and Unfair Treatment

Friends, I am so angry I cannot see straight.  I will be speaking once again in vague and sweeping generalities (it is fun; you should try it) in order to maintain a level of discretion.  I sincerely hope that by the time I can tell you in detail what has inspired this rant, that I have long since moved on and am no longer haunted enough to bother dredging it up.  That might just mean you will have to live the whole rest of your lives steeped in morbid curiosity over just what the hell KatGirl was talking about today.  Sorry [insert sheepish grin].

I have been tolerating a situation for far too long, and it is about time that something happens.  Unfortunately, I am likely the one who will be hurt by addressing the situation, but at this point, I want only to be done with it by whatever means necessary.  How can any person who purports to "love all god's children" endeavor to - much less get away with it - treat someone so terribly?

It proves to me even more fervently that people with deep seeded and radically fundamental belief structures (religious, political, or otherwise) are the last people on earth who should be trusted.  I have never encountered such pure and righteously disguised evil as I am perceiving in this particular corner of my life.  How a person can make a grand public display of support and collaboration only to deliberately withhold both in private is beyond me.  And how the same person can so flippantly throw the blame for that offense back on the person who was left hanging is also completely beyond me.  It is cold, callous, and cruel.  And apparently, completely condoned.

I know exactly what is going on, and despite my faint hopes that someone else might eventually recognize it; I fear I am approaching a pivotal point when my ability to continue to wait for that relief is overwhelmed by the fury I feel every time these situations arise  Yes, situations - I am not referring to an incident, but to a string of events that begin to look very much like a pattern.  It appears though that only I see the pattern (or that only I acknowledge it).  In the end, I will be the one saving myself, and it will most likely appear that I am the ass.  It no longer matters.  Whatever the means, I have got to extricate myself from this heaping pile of crap that has become my station.

Life is too good and far too short to waste under someone else' shit.

Sorry... I told you I was pissed.

Sweet Kate will return soon.  I promise.

Much love to my friends,
Kate

Never Forget

Today is the ninth anniversary of the brutal murder of Gwen Araujo, killed by a group of “normal teenage” boys merely because she was transgendered.  Much has changed in the nine years since.  With the changes in military standards that previously banned homosexuals from military service… 

I must digress.  No, “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” was NOT the ban on gays in the military.  That prohibition dates back to the Articles of War adopted by the military in 1916.  Look it up.  DADT was the rule change (albeit misguided) that made it possible for gays to qualify for military service by keeping their orientation private.  (They used to ask you if you were gay in the multi-million-question entrance interview, DADT removed that question.)  Technically, a simple repeal of DADT would have reinforced the original ban restricting gays from enlisting.  I really wish people would quit calling the rule change that allows gays to openly enlist in military service the “repeal of DADT.”  It drives me crazy, because it proves that we as a society can be fooled into anything.  Sorry, back to my point.

… Chaz Bono making headlines as the first trans person to compete on Dancing With the Stars, the “It Gets Better” campaign, and the increasing attention on marriage equality; LGBT issues are at center stage in the great social debate.  But with all this press, some things have not changed.

“According to the Transgender Day of Remembrance Web site, there have been 143 transgender homicides in 2009, and it is estimated that an anti-transgender murder occurs every three days.”  Statistics suggest that those crimes increased by 23% in 2010.  And in 2011, the same year we are watching Chaz on TV, a trans woman was brutally attacked in a Baltimore McDonald’s, because she needed to use the restroom.  An employee on duty, opted to record the attack rather than get help.  This does not even touch the continued high rate of suicides among trans youth, and the continued incidents of bullying directed toward the entire LGBT community.  Something is still very wrong.

Can we fix it?  I hope we can.  It starts with remembering our past.

Just Don't Call Me Late for Dinner

There was very little positive about my childhood.  My parents raised me with the expectation that I would be stupid and worthless; they always believed me to be just that.  It was the only way I could grow up that would fit into their conspiracy-laden minds.  I do not deny that we grew up poor.  I do not deny that we lacked some of the perks that accompanied wealth – like social status, and respect.  What I could never make peace with (as my parents had) was the idea that I had no chance for success because of who I was; that I would never make it in any endeavor because I lived on “the wrong side of the tracks.”  I also refused to believe that I was stupid.  I suppose that is where my trouble respecting authority began – I refused to accept the conventional wisdom that I was an ignorant loser.

There was very little positive about my childhood.  But I know that I learned a lot from my upbringing – granted it was a laundry lost of “NOT to do’s,” but learning is learning.  One thing that actually did stick with me though was my gene donors’ stated abhorrence for labels.  Throughout elementary school and well into my middle-school years, I was regularly and consistently recommended by various teachers to be placed in the gifted program.  My parents steadfastly refused to allow this – didn’t want it messing up my street cred.  Their reason was always the same.  They would inform the school that they did not believe it was in any child’s best interests to “label” her.  They believed such labels were a hindrance to constructive development.

This was their stated objection.  In truth, they were convinced that the school was wrong – that I was in no way intelligent or creative enough to be considered even average, much less gifted.  Oh yes, while they would never have said it to the school, they were always certain to let me know why I didn’t belong in a gifted program.  Still their stated reasoning resonated with me (I guess knowing that they did not believe what they were saying made it automatically credible to me).

I attended a birthday party last night.  It was essentially an LGBT event – well LGB and one T (me) – there were even some straight people.  All in all it was a wonderful time, and I am ever thankful to our hosts for having us.  There was one rather unfortunate event late in the evening that left a bitter taste in my mouth (a mild one).  One of our fellow partiers felt the need to ascertain everyone’s “status,” which came off like a very bizarre version of Duck, Duck, Goose.  We were all sitting around a table, and he counted each of us off as he pointed around the table – “gay, gay, gay, gay, straight, straight, gay, gay, straight…” and so on.  When several at the table attempted to correct him (he had determined my wife and I to be straight), he at first didn’t understand.  But when one very clever young woman pointed out that we were gay, because I identified as female; it finally sunk in.  But then he felt the need to get more specific with his labels, so repeated the game – this time specifying lesbians, bi, etc.

This was all in good fun, and no one was passing judgment; but still isn’t it odd that in a party of society’s outcasts, we feel the need to further segregate ourselves?  There are so many people, and so many otherwise disparate groups in the world who are united in one passion – their hatred for and condemnation of the LGBT community – that it seems like we should be finding ways to break down walls, not put up sub-dividers.  I am even coming to question the “LGBT” label.  I am proud of all my sisters and brothers, regardless of which letter they comprise.

Rather than focus our energy on understanding our differences, I think we should be focused on taking over this joint.  Straight Christians have been running this country for far too long, and look where it’s gotten us.  I think it’s about time we start deciding who can and cannot marry, and who gets to have their head blown off for defending our right to borrow money from China.  Seriously, I get that we should be allowed in the military if we want to be… but think about it Mary!  Let the backwoods bully who takes pleasure in beating up fags go get his ass shot off.  I’ll stay here and make cookies.

In the interest of my lack of interest, I am posting this one without proofreading or editing.  I apologize for the choppiness and any misspellingz my Mac didn’t fix for me.

Peace girlfriends!

Kate

Challenging the Christian Embrace

Does any particular body, political, religious, or otherwise, hold the keys to kindness and respect?  I have a dear friend who believes that Christianity is exactly that key.  This friend complains that schools would be safer places for students if only bible study was still a part of the curriculum; that if students were compelled to participate in organized prayer, everyone would be nicer to each other.  I could not disagree more.  Consider the following:

One Christian pundit asserts that protecting the LGBT community from violence through hate-crimes legislation actually “poses the greatest single threat to religious free speech rights in America today.”  Really, not allowing someone to beat up fags is a violation of his freedom of expression.  I suppose that is true, but to be consistent, would it not also be within my right to express love for my lesbian partner through a marriage license?  This, of course, involves the consistent application of a principle (freedom of expression) – not central to most Christians’ arguments.  Read on:

Here is an entire Christian organization promoting the idea that equality is a privilege only for certain people (guess which people) - that if it cannot be rationalized via biblical logic, it must be wrong and therefore eradicated. Hidden among the more than prolific writings on this site (yes, I read several articles… without vomiting… barely) are suggestions that the effort to stop homosexual teen suicide is a bad thing.  One article states that a gay marriage is wrong because it cannot produce children; however, it also maintains that this “rule” does not apply to “traditional” couples who cannot produce children as they at least model God’s intention for relationships – priceless.

From another article, “Contrary to what is frequently and erroneously stated in the media, there is no scientific or psychological proof that homosexuality is anything other than…” so now Christians are interested in scientific proof.  That is a bit of a double standard in my view.  Most appear uninterested in the science of evolution, after all.  As an aside – I see this repeatedly in Christian apologetics (the effort to prove Christian dogma).  When presented with data, a pundit may simply respond, “that is incorrect,” or “that is a lie,” and no contraindicative data is expected.  You tell me there is no proof, and I am supposed to believe you.  I suppose that is where faith steps in – convenient.  Oh, and the article is clear in its condemnation of “non-traditional” values, by the way.

Let me qualify that I struggle to believe any particular body could possess the whole answer.  I merely ask, how can a body which condones (if indirectly) violence against “non-traditional” values, that would suggest people unlike the body are to be viewed with skepticism, that could profess to believe that equality is a term belonging to only its own be a source for the proliferation of kindness and respect to all people?

The data is prevalent.  I invested only a few minutes and one search query in one search engine (“Christian truth about homosexuality” via Google) to unearth pages of resources like the ones I referenced above.  I would require little more effort to continue finding these examples, and I can certainly illustrate numerous examples from my own life experience.  I simply lack the stomach for the prejudice that Christianity parades as love and truth.

I will be the first to celebrate the many wonderful redeeming qualities on display by some Christians in the world today.  I believe fully that not all Christianity is evil and/or wrong, and it is not my intention to condemn as a whole any particular religion.  My point is that I do not believe curricular bible study is an antidote to the violence and hatred experienced by so many unfortunate children.  If anything, the cure for violence is the absence of religiosity.  After all, from what root does most violence evolve?  Hint: consider the central elements of almost every war throughout history.

I love my Christian friends just as I love my Heathen, Muslim, and Miscellaneous friends, but I occasionally feel that you are all on crack.  If that makes you angry, perhaps you should pray for me.  That will probably fix it.


Let the crucifixion begin!
Hugs,
Kate