Struggling

Why does “the holiday season” fill me with so many negative emotions?  I remember a time when Christmas inspired hope, and joy, and happiness in my heart.  It wasn’t that long ago.  These days, it seems more a reminder of all the blessings I have squandered, and of all the things that shall never be again.

I don’t know what to do with those feelings.

Is it just me?  Or does Christmas somehow seem less happy these days?

Trail Blazing?

Among other activities this week, I posted the pics from my weekend festivities on my Facebook profile.  This may sound rather mundane, but let me assure you it was a big step.  My Facebook page is rooted in my male life.  Many of my family members, who have never seen me as a woman (and who have repressed and diligently overlooked any signs of my femininity for as long as I can remember) are among my friend list.  Any number of other "friends" from other parts of my life - work, high school, previous homes, etc. - are also connected to my FB profile.  Granted many of these folks do know about me, but still many more do not.  In fact, of the over 120 friends on my list, those who knew I was really a woman likely number in the 30-40 range.

It would, I suppose, be possible to continue the delusion for those who cannot cope with such realities.  After all, the pictures were largely of our Halloween costume (variants of the photos I posted earlier here).  I did, however, make sure to include a few "pre-costume" photos in my short wig, which present a far less "masquerade-esque" appearance.  And to top it all, I actually changed my profile picture to the same photo that is now my Blogger profile pic.

These actions were met with uproarious enthusiasm from many of my friends.  I received comments (mostly compliments, but even the jibes were in good humor) from people I would never have expected to hear from.  The most telling feedback I received though was the almost unanimous silence from my family.  That hurt.

It is not that they haven't seen them.  I've seen posts from virtually every one of my close family since I posted the pics, and I've even made comments on some of their posts.  Still, silence.  So now the waiting begins.  I am not going to press the issue, rather I will continue behaving naturally, and continue to trickle reality (my reality) into my formerly male online presence.  The question is how long it will take, and to what extreme I will have to go before any of my family finally comments.

It's a safe bet, knowing my family, that I will never hear (or see) them speak of it.  Maybe we should start a pool!

It's a funny thing, life.