Friday, March 25, 2011

Hello Friends!

I truly appreciate those of you who have hung in there through all my ranting and groaning over the past few months.  I am truly blessed to have you in my life (even if only electronically).  I have been in a much better place these last few days, and I hope that I have reached a small turning point.

You all know that I have been bemoaning my existence lately... how can you forget?! (Sorry! [sheepish grin])  A lot of that was coming from frustrations I've been feeling about changes in my living situation over the last year.  In short, I have struggled greatly to adjust back to a lifestyle that included sharing a home with other people, and I have especially struggled to cope with having a teenage boy around (I still don't care much for it, but that is another story).  The good news is that my partner and I finally reached a level of understanding over the last few days that has helped me to work through some of the frustration.

I still have a long way to go.  Oddly, one of my frustrations was with the fact that I just piled on a whole new set of issues to work through in the course of working through the ones I'm already trying to resolve!  I'll admit it... I tend to over think things.  I do have a long way to go, but I have begun to feel like progress is possible again.  That is a huge leap for me, as everything had felt so hopeless over the last few months.

I am still searching for a good counselor who specializes in gender issues, and who doesn't office a universe away from me.  I'd love input from anyone who can recommend someone in the Fort Worth / Denton, TX (most I find are in Dallas) area who might fit that description.  Please send me a note or post a comment here if you have any recommendations!  My email is now accessible via my profile page.

Hope everyone has a beautiful weekend!

P.S.  Big news!  My partner and I have booked a cruise in the very near future.  It was very last minute, but very much needed.  (And I just purchased two super cute new bikinis for the occasion... awaiting the UPS man now!)  I'll post pics when we return.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

A Conundrum

Life is so full of friction these days.  It seems there is nowhere I can turn, no place to go where some form of conflict doesn't force its way into my being.  It is quickly becoming more exhausting than I can bear.  I suppose it has been building for years... or disintegrating, whichever way you choose to see it.  I believe disintegrating is more accurate.

I have reached a stage when my thoughts are so clouded, my creativity so mired, my will so worn, that I wonder if I really have the strength to see this thing to the end.  Hell, I don't even know what this thing is anymore.  I have long realized this to be my core obstacle - I have no focus.  If one were to ask of me, "What do you want?", I would certainly have an answer.  But follow that question with "okay, then what?", and I am lost.

That is probably not fair.  I don't suppose too many people really do know "then what."  For me the problem has been that at any given time, the "then what" may be so radically different from the "now," that my life never begins to move but simply to continually start over.  In the mean time, the things that I'm doing while I try to figure out how to live my life... have become my life.  So, I have become defined by the middle-aged middle-manager who shaves his face in my mirror every morning.  I am no longer the artistic, creative, beautiful soul who once dreamed in song lyrics and soaring adventures.  I am now a bean counting toad who can't figure out why nothing seems to look right in my life.


Thanks to those who have been sending me communication around the whole counseling endeavor.  I do truly appreciate your input, and I welcome all the advice I get.  It is obvious (to me, if not to you) that I need it.

Much love to all my pretties.

Friday, March 4, 2011

These Are the Times…

A brief update this evening.  I believe I have reached a pivotal point in my transition activities.  I have been doing a lot of things physically.  I am letting my hair grow out, I have begun laser therapy to remove my facial hair (which will be followed by other areas), I have been taking hormones. I don’t even own male underwear any more.  I am at a point now, when I need to begin to answer questions, not just create ambiguity.

I need to find a therapist.  The catch is that I need to find one in the DFW area of Texas, and I need her (or him) to be smarter than me.  Or, at least I need to experience the sense that I have something to learn.  I know this is a little arrogant, but with almost every counselor I’ve ever met, I have felt like I held the intellectual upper hand.  My lack of respect for those individuals invariable led me to question the validity of the exercise itself.  The end result is that I poured money into pointless exercises and never really progressed toward a real understanding of who I was, or of what I needed to do.