Monday, November 9, 2009

Strange Brew

So... I think I might be in a relationship. I think I like it. The problem is that I keep looking over my shoulder for the hidden camera... waiting for the inevitable punch-line. I want to just let go and enjoy the feelings, but so far I have struggled to do that.

I'm dating a woman. Yes, a woman. I know... but hey, I'm already a complete outcast (enough to not be invited to my grandparents' 70th anniversary celebration), so why not just go all the way? Yup, I'm a transgendered lesbian. And... gasp... I think people should be okay with me.

I digress.

I'm dating a woman. She is beautiful, smart, funny, and I really like her. Here's the weird part. She likes me. No, really. She likes the me who shows up here... not the me that the rest of the world sees. She likes the whole me.

She tells me that she doesn't see me as a man, or as a woman; she sees me as beautiful... awe... it makes me cry just thinking about it! :*) So, I really like her. Did I say that already?

I don't know what else to say about it, other than the fact that I am very happy to be involved with her. (I think this could be real!!!! GASP!!!!)

Sunday, November 1, 2009

And A Happy Halloween was had by… Some.

Greetings all,

This has been a monumental weekend. I have officially completed the course-work for the first of my classes. It has certainly taken more effort than I anticipated, but it seems manageable. I am happy to have this little milestone achieved.

On a less festive note, another Halloween has come and gone. Halloween is by far my most favorite holiday of them all. Of course, we all know why that is – it’s the one time of year when boys in dresses raise little more than a chuckle from the neighbors. Sadly, as with most Halloween evenings, I again did nothing at all this year. I have been very depressed about it all weekend. The problem is that I am surrounded by absolutely ZERO friends with whom I can be myself. Yes, you’re out there, and I love each and every one of you; but as usual, I’m a bazillion miles away from you all with no chance of getting together.

With little else to do this weekend, I reflected a whole bunch on this whole Halloween thing. Okay, not entirely accurate. I watched a bunch of sappy love stories (“Imagine Me and You,” “The Lake House,” “Sweet November,” “Somewhere In Time,” you know, that kind of thing), cried for hours on end, wondered if I would ever feel the flutter of emotion that comes from seeing a man crouch on one knee in front of me, cried some more, had some drinks, did a bunch of Facebooking, THEN reflected a whole bunch on this whole Halloween thing. As I semi-publicly lamented my lack of Halloween festivity again this year, I received a comment on FB that really gave me pause. The comment was:
Here is your prescription: On Saturday, dress to the nines, and go out. Go
anywhere you'd like; because it's freakin' Halloween and the only day of the
year that you can get away with it! Do it! (You know you wanna). DON'T HOLD
Great advice, and I dearly love my good friend who offered it, but a particular part of the comment really stuck with me – “the only day of the year you can get away with it [emphasis added].” Is that what I’ve been doing? I suppose it is.

I’m living for the one night I can “get away with it,” when what I really want is to live every day of my life externally aligned with the person I feel like on the inside. I realize that I am placing so much importance on Halloween, because it is the one day that I am still “safe.” The truth is that I am still so afraid of the potential consequences of openly expressing who I am to the outside world that I am still hiding behind the guise of plausible deniability. I don’t have to actually take a chance; I don’t have to actually admit anything when I can say, “hey, it’s just in fun… you know, for Halloween.”

That is not what I want. I have been deluding myself. I cannot keep clinging to these stupid safety nets! Eventually, I’m going to have to learn how to work without them. Oh boy. I’m scared. I’m going to need a lot of friends!