There is no one reason I came out, and there is no one reason that I have decided to transition. The reasons are innumerable, in fact. I can point to a final push - an epiphany, if you will. I realized that in my heart, I was a hypocrite.
And as much as I hate to bring this up, my inspiration was Tyler Clementi. Let me clarify. I was not inspired by Tyler Clementi the person; on the contrary, when I heard the news I was pissed off... at him. I simply could not understand how someone would choose death over the idea of facing his own sexuality. How could anyone believe that being gay was worse than dying? Certainly I was outraged at the injustice brought upon him by two worthless human beings who deserve a fate worse than Tyler's, but my real rage was directed at the boy himself. In a way, I suppose I saw his choice to commit suicide as a denunciation of my own sexuality / gender dysphoria.
At the height of my moral indignation, a thought occurred to me. The life I was living was every bit as wasted as was Clementi's. And the fact that I was still hiding behind veiled references and innuendo was at least as tragic and even more dishonest. I realized that I had no right to the sense of outrage I was feeling. That until I made the choice to stand up and acknowledge who I was, my life would remain a well of potential energy; which is to say that it would serve no purpose... or at least, it would not be serving the full purpose for which I believe my life was intended.
I was born transsexual. I chose to do something about it. Now, I choose to make that matter. I do not yet know what it is or how it will be achieved, but I know my life will serve a purpose... that I can make something better.
And I will.
Thank you Tyler for pissing me off. And to Tyler's family, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I have lost many love ones in my life, but never a child. I cannot begin to imagine that pain. I hope, though, that you will one day be able to take comfort in the knowledge that Tyler did make the world a better place. By inspiring people to step into the light, to tell their stories, and to lift up others who are hurting; Tyler (and others like him) has made a difference.
Love... just love,
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Greetings to you, my friends! I am sitting in a hotel surrounded by colleagues who no longer “recognize” me and wishing I was home in the arms of my sweet wife. So many oddities of note today; I scarcely know where or when to begin.
I am participating in a class sponsored by my company. The class has eighteen students. Exactly two thirds of the students are men (if you don’t count me… and I don’t); the remaining six are women (if you count me… and I do). What, you thought maybe a Magwai or a Gazelle might sneak into the head count? One of the exercises involved taking a personality assessment, after which, the class was divided into the four groups (as determined by the assessment) for review and discussion. I greatly enjoyed our discussion, which was animated and fun. As things died down (mostly among the other groups… ours was still going strong), I noticed something. All six women (if you count me… which I do) ended up in the same group! Isn’t that a hoot?
Ooh, one of my good friends recently asked me how I have lost so much weight over the last few months (I officially love her FOREVER!J). It was a little difficult to explain, since we were in a bar, and there was a little too much going on for serious conversation. She had looked through some of my older profile pics on Facebook… back when I still looked mostly like a boy. I thought it might be helpful if I explained my diet program to you all. It’s pretty revolutionary.
For the record, since last fall, I have lost well over thirty pounds. I dropped at least four sizes. It’s hard to quantify, because I also changed “size charts” midway. I can say for certain that I lost over 4 inches from my waist line. The secret?
I started exercising about 3 to 4 times per week on average (just cardio). I stopped eating fast food (mostly) and most fried foods. I switched from a drinking beer to drinking liquor. And I started having sex. There you have it. That is the Kat Girl weight loss program – sushi, cycling, sex, and vodka. I call it “The Kat Girl Weight Loss Program” or KGWLP for short. Okay, honestly, I use an elliptical rather than a bike… but the verbiage didn’t flow as nicely. J
Hope everyone is having a wonderful week!
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
As a little girl, I dreamed of wealth and grandeur. I fantasized about a life without want – a life of fame and of palpable material success. My dreams were full of big houses, grand pianos, fancy cars, beautiful dresses, and fine jewelry. I would be the hostess, the star of lavish events – cocktail parties, charity balls, and concerts. I would be sought after and cherished by people everywhere. I thought wealth and fame would make me happy.
I never found the spotlight or earned the fortune of my dreams, but I have tasted financial success and material gain. I have experienced enough glamour and opulence to understand it a little better. There is excitement in those first flavors for sure, but the taste that is left behind is bitter and full of disappointment. In truth, material gain by itself adds nothing to life except complication. I am reminded of a story someone once told me (my rendition):
A young entrepreneur walking the beach one day encountered a bum lying in the sand, contentedly gazing out over the ocean. Normally, seeing this would inspire little more than a disapproving glance from the young tycoon, but today he felt driven and ready to prove a point; he needed to expose what he saw – a misguided and meaningless existence. He stopped and turned back to the bum lying in the sand.
“Why don’t you do something with your life, you bum?” said the young business man.
The bum, interrupted from his reverie, glanced up at the well dressed young man. After a moment of consideration and with an amused grin, he responded “What would you have me do?”
The young tycoon, indignant at the wayfarer’s nonchalance, fired back, “You could contribute to society. Get a job!”
“And why would I do that?” asked the bum.
“So you can earn money!” the young executive nearly shouted.
The bum returned his gaze to the sea. “But what do I need with money?” he asked.
Face reddening and anger mounting, the tycoon responded, “Money is what makes the world go around, man! You need it to live!”
The bum merely chuckled, “I do?”
“Yes, you do! You need to be able to pay your taxes, and buy things for yourself,” said the young man.
“What would I need to buy for myself?” the bemused bum asked.
“A house, and a car, wouldn’t you like to raise a family, invest and save your money?” replied the tycoon.
The bum smiled warmly at the young man. “Why do I need all those things? Why do I need to save money?”
“Oh good lord, man! You need to save money so that you can retire someday!” the poor executive was now furious.
“Retire, why?” asked the bum.
“Why?! So you can enjoy yourself, relax, and have fun! You can do whatever you want.” Satisfied that he had made his point, the young executive stared triumphantly at the bum.
The man looked at him for a moment, smiled, and then returned his gaze to the horizon. “But I am already enjoying myself.”
So, I understand what is wrong with the way I tried to live; now I just have to dig myself out from the hole my lifestyle created. Therein lies the challenge.
Wish me luck (or send me money).
Peace and love to you all!
Monday, August 8, 2011
I feel so terribly about my inattention to this blog over the last few weeks. It is not for lack of things to write. There has been so much, in fact, that when I sit down to work I cannot fathom how to capture it all. It does not help matters that my time has been otherwise and quite joyously occupied by my daughters’ “summer stay” in Texas. I so cherish them, but wow, having so many people around sure has a way of tuckering me out!
Their stay came to an end yesterday, and more than ever before; taking them home was heart wrenching. I cried on and off all day, and in truth, still feel tears welling up when I realize they are not here today. I must pause to apologize to the rest of my loved ones for my erratic and moody behavior yesterday. I know I was quite the bitch, and I am sorry. I will be sure to make up for that in the one way I know best… cooking. ;)
My daughters are two of the most amazing people I know. I love them immensely, and what is more, I respect who they are as people. Even my ten year old is more evolved and better educated than many of the people I encounter in daily life. I am so proud of them, and I was very sad to see them go.
On a positive note, I will hopefully be able to get back into a regular writing cycle again… after, of course, I get about a week of sleep!
Take care, friends!