Tuesday, April 26, 2011

My Most Recent Facebook Update

My facebook account is the one place I have remained mostly boy over the last several years.  This is largely due to the fact that I am connected to pretty much everyone from work colleagues to family on this account, so it is visible to a large "unknowing" population.  Over the last few months, I have been making a careful and gradual shift, moving the "unknowing" to at least "suspecting."

I know it's weird... but you have to know my family.  Trust me, I know what I'm doing.  I am an evil super-genius after all.

My latest status update:

"Okay world, hear me now. I will never again apologize for who I am. I am proud to be the person you see before you, and I am even more proud of the person you will see emerging from behind the masks that used to hide her. Like me or don't; that is for your conscience to carry - not mine. I love me."

What do you think? :)


Thursday, April 21, 2011

The Cruise Heard Round the World

Hello again!

I just had to stop by and share a little more about the vacation we just enjoyed.  Seriously, I’m not trying to rub it in, so I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m bragging!  This was without a doubt the most wonderful vacation I have ever enjoyed.  The fact that we returned to a house with no drainage and sewage coating our tubs and showers (long story) couldn’t even mess it up.  The plumber is back again today trying to fix the problem permanently (why I am “free” to post today rather than working in my office).  In fact, the plumbing devastation served only to extend our wonderful respite.  We booked a night in a very chic hotel, enjoyed a wonderful dinner in the Town Square, and stumbled upon an art show where we spent the rest of the evening and the better part of the following day.  We met some wonderful artists, and I’m already rethinking my paint scheme for the house in order to encompass some new works.

Open-mouthed smile

The thing, I think, that has been most amazing about this vacation is the lasting effect it has had on my general outlook.  I will qualify by saying that I am cautiously optimistic; I’ve had mini-revelations in the past that have faded over time.  Hopefully this is a real turning point… or next step for me.  There is no question the impact is real.  I simply do not want to “hide” any more.  Not that I ever wanted to hide; I just never felt secure enough to live out loud.  I don’t feel the same weights holding me down any more.  I feel more like me, and I feel more open to allowing people to experience me.  So far, the results have been incredible (well, for me anyway).

An example: earlier today, I ran to the store to pick up a few things.  While at the store I noticed some super cute belts that were on clearance, so I found a couple that fit me (love them!) and tossed them in my basket.  The very friendly clerk at the checkout mentioned how cute she thought one of the belts was, and we launched into an entire conversation about just how cute they were, what sizes were back there, why I chose one over the other, and so on.  I left absolutely no question for whom I was purchasing the belts, and I felt no unease about the conversation.  In fact, it was entirely pleasant; we were both smiling and laughing the whole time!  Just a few weeks ago, I would have struggled even to make eye contact when making that purchase; and I would have been absolutely mortified by the idea of standing there in the aisle trying the different belts on… which is exactly what I did!

There have been countless examples like this in the few short days I have been back.  My partner bought me a gorgeous bracelet a while back that she had engraved with my name – “Kate.”  Before the cruise, I wore it around the house.  Now, except at work, I almost always have it on no matter where I am.  Likewise, I have all but stopped wearing boy jeans, and, again except at work, I almost always wear a bra.  Even in a sports bra (which I wear to the gym) my figure is pretty noticeable, so there is no hiding.  And you know what?  It feels great!


Sure I get a few “interested” glances now and then; the grumpy old greeter at the store practically scowled at me as he muttered the “friendly” hello that is his job to offer entering shoppers.  I notice, but it does not phase me.  I can neither control how someone sees me (regardless of my presentation), nor do I really care what they think.  To be honest, I had to chuckle as I briefly considered giving him a flirtatious bat of the eyelashes.  I passed on the idea, but I had a good laugh at least.  The key is the encounter did not devastate as before.  The only affect was to entertain my rather twisted sense of humor.  That is a HUGE change for me.

Hmm, I guess this post wasn't really about the vacation.  Sorry about that.

Winking smile

I hope you are all having a wonderful week!


Monday, April 18, 2011

Just Got Back From a Long Vacation

Hello Friends!

My partner and I just returned from a glorious five day Caribbean cruise.  Here we are at the site of a Mayan village on the Yucatan Peninsula:

It was easily the most wonderful vacation I have ever experienced.  Not only did we have an amazing time with lots of outrageous fun and adventures, we met some really neat people who will hopefully become good friends; and that's not even the best part.  The best part is that I didn't once feel like I was pretending to be a boy.  Don't misunderstand, I didn't actually take the full plunge and go entirely female; I did however drop the masks I usually wear.  Gone were the "macho-isms" of normal daily life, gone was the clothing that masks my budding figure, and gone were the inhibitions and fears that I live with almost every day.  I was just me, and it felt great!

I did take one little adventure while on the ship. :)  We spent a morning sunbathing on the upper deck of the ship.  No boundaries... I wore my bikini and some eye makeup.  It was amazing!  (I was even called "Ma'am" once, though I'm sure he was just being polite.  Passing was not my objective, so it didn't matter.)  We didn't get any photos on deck, but here are a couple from the day before when we were just lounging around on our balcony.

I really feel like I made some great strides over the last week.  I have never felt so free.