Sunday, July 5, 2009

An Exciting Day (or More Evidence that I Have No Life!)

I am so excited! I just won an e-bay auction for a 54 piece set of MAC eye shadow pigments! Yay for me!!! (Sorry to whoever I tromped on... there were a TON of bids... you understand, I hope).

In other news, I finally bought a scale today. That was a little depressing... not buying the scale (that was fun)... stepping on the scale was a little shocking. I knew I was overweight, but YIKES!!! On the up side, I took photos of myself back in January when I decided that this was finally the year I would get back to being skinny Kate. Of course, then I promptly did nothing about it until last month. But the up side... I took a few shots today in the same poses from January, and when I view them side-by-side; I can see PROGRESS!!! It's not much, but my belly is definitely smaller than it was, and my face is slimmer too. Yay!!!! And the best part is that, despite the "sticker shock" of actually seeing a number associated with my fatness, I am feeling really motivated about hitting my goal weight. I think I'll plan a Halloween party to celebrate (that's when I'm supposed to achieve my goal weight).

I also figured out today that I am only one payment (this month's!!) away from having one of my many debts eliminated. This is a really awesome feeling, and I can't wait until I'm finally nailing the coffin shut on the last of my debts. Of course, my little shopping spree today didn't help, but hey... it was MAC!

That's all for now. Carry on.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

The Selfish Side of Transition

I am not a theologian, nor am I a bible scholar, hell... I don't even understand most of what I read in the bible. I am an avid reader, though, and I do invest a lot of time reading what other people think about the bible and about spirituality. I may have come to some conclusions. Maybe not. I drink a lot, and sometimes it's hard to tell whether I've had a revelation or just killed another brain cell.

Transgenderism (a.k.a. transsexualism, gender dysphoria, homoerotic tendencies, controlled psychosis, etc.) is a touchy subject in the Christian community. It's touchy in that most try very hard NOT to touch it, and those who do, touch only enough to elicit the moniker "compassionate." The idea does spur some debate though, largely among our simpler minded friends on the extreme fringes: queers will burn in hell, God hates fags - you know the rhetoric. Let me offer my spin.

I don't think my gender issues (or my decision (should I decide it) to correct my gender confusion through surgical reassignment) are issues of sin or salvation. The fact that I choose to become female to fully reflect how I feel about who I am is no more sinful (or damning) than the decision to have a tummy tuck, face lift, or nose job. My concern is not forgiveness. I believe that I am no less forgiven than any other sinner. If "death row confessions" get a murderer into heaven, then what less chance do I, who has never ended the existence of one of God's chosen, have of obtaining the same salvation?

My concern is one of mission.

When you break it down. God, through Jesus, is really asking for something simple (not easy... simple. There is a difference). He wants us to follow. We are called to follow Christ's example to the world - to live a servant's life, to advance God's kingdom through acts of self-sacrifice. This self-sacrifice is not an act of violence, but an act of love. We are called to wash our servant's feet - to work selflessly in the world for the betterment of God's kingdom. In what way does my conversion to femininity accomplish this simple mission?

Who's life is improved by a surgeon's inversion of my penis? Who's life is improved by my ability to not create weird lumps in a bikini? Yes, mine. But was I called to improve my life?

This is my crisis of faith. It is not a question of whether I am saved, but a question of whether my actions further God's purpose for me. I can believe that making the change may further my purpose, but sometimes, that is a real stretch. It assumes that I cannot live selflessly and as a servant until I am able to live in a specific gender role. And if I am capable of living selflessly and as a servant without changing my sex, what then is the purpose of changing my sex?