Monday, December 6, 2010

Working for the Weekend

Greetings my friends.  

As we enter December (I cannot believe we are on the tail of 2010.  It seems only yesterday when I was thinking about all the things I was going to do differently (again) this year!), I cannot help reflecting on the events of this past year.  It has truly been a whirlwind, and I recall just a few short months ago thinking that if I survived this year; I might quite possibly be immortal.  Well, it’s not over yet, but I’m still standing!
In the past twelve months, I have planned a relocation, gotten engaged, canceled a relocation, spent several months on the road, bought a house, moved, got married (all while traveling EVERY week), helped a friend relocate… twice, went on a honeymoon, and entered multiple major projects within my primary work responsibility (which is separate from my travel requirements).  Through it all, I have continued to take baby steps toward an outwardly female life.

I do think I will take one significant lesson with me into my future from this year.  That is that while sometimes we fail to see the forest for the trees, when we fail to appreciate the trees; the forest becomes a hopeless maze.  I think that the greatest limitation I have experienced over the years, aside from an overdeveloped concern for others’ opinions of me, has been my own compulsion to focus on the end game.  I get so caught up in the overwhelming nature of the changes that need to happen in order to bring about my ultimate future (my forest), that I give up on taking the little steps (my trees) I need to get there.  Then I get depressed.

On the other hand, when I successfully keep my focus on the moment and on the not-too-distant future, I find that I can enjoy my life.  And you know what?  While I’m doing that, the changes that I need to make are falling into place without my even noticing.  For example, I have hips!  I just noticed them.  My hips and butt have taken on a whole new shape over the last year, and I didn’t even notice that it was happening!  When I slipped into a pair of jeans a couple weeks ago (I was so frustrated that I couldn’t find anything to wear to the club, I just gave up and slipped on some jeans and a pair of pumps) in preparation for our “date night,” I was shocked at the figure that I saw in the mirror!  That wasn’t there a year ago!

My only regret is that I didn’t grab a couple snapshots to share with you all.  I promise to do that next time (maybe this weekend?).  In the mean time, I hope everyone is doing well.


Sunday, November 28, 2010


Why does “the holiday season” fill me with so many negative emotions?  I remember a time when Christmas inspired hope, and joy, and happiness in my heart.  It wasn’t that long ago.  These days, it seems more a reminder of all the blessings I have squandered, and of all the things that shall never be again.

I don’t know what to do with those feelings.

Is it just me?  Or does Christmas somehow seem less happy these days?

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Trail Blazing?

Among other activities this week, I posted the pics from my weekend festivities on my Facebook profile.  This may sound rather mundane, but let me assure you it was a big step.  My Facebook page is rooted in my male life.  Many of my family members, who have never seen me as a woman (and who have repressed and diligently overlooked any signs of my femininity for as long as I can remember) are among my friend list.  Any number of other "friends" from other parts of my life - work, high school, previous homes, etc. - are also connected to my FB profile.  Granted many of these folks do know about me, but still many more do not.  In fact, of the over 120 friends on my list, those who knew I was really a woman likely number in the 30-40 range.

It would, I suppose, be possible to continue the delusion for those who cannot cope with such realities.  After all, the pictures were largely of our Halloween costume (variants of the photos I posted earlier here).  I did, however, make sure to include a few "pre-costume" photos in my short wig, which present a far less "masquerade-esque" appearance.  And to top it all, I actually changed my profile picture to the same photo that is now my Blogger profile pic.

These actions were met with uproarious enthusiasm from many of my friends.  I received comments (mostly compliments, but even the jibes were in good humor) from people I would never have expected to hear from.  The most telling feedback I received though was the almost unanimous silence from my family.  That hurt.

It is not that they haven't seen them.  I've seen posts from virtually every one of my close family since I posted the pics, and I've even made comments on some of their posts.  Still, silence.  So now the waiting begins.  I am not going to press the issue, rather I will continue behaving naturally, and continue to trickle reality (my reality) into my formerly male online presence.  The question is how long it will take, and to what extreme I will have to go before any of my family finally comments.

It's a safe bet, knowing my family, that I will never hear (or see) them speak of it.  Maybe we should start a pool!

It's a funny thing, life.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Halloween 2010

Boo y'all!

And happy Halloween!

We actually made it out last night to the block party in Dallas. Our "party" ended up being a bit of a bust, but we still had a good time. We walked the runway and earned our share of catcalls and hoots. We did a lot more walking than I expected, so my feet were killing me by the time we left! Other than that, it was awesome. ;)

Here are a few pics from the evening. Enjoy!

Almost Ready:

All I need now is the iconic hair.

More "pre-wig" photos:

The finished product (I GOT YOU BABE!):

Making a Cher Face
(It's perfect!  I just never realized Cher made faces like that!)

The Full Body Shot

Nostalagic Frame

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Not for Resale, Do Not P...

I am struggling.  I've seen so much "proof" that it is possible to live happily in this world regardless of the dichotomy of one's existence.  Girls who have forged through the gray that separated their lives along lines of physicality are everywhere, and they are not only surviving, but thriving.  One cannot deny that happiness is possible.  Women, born with penises, living happily as women should be a source for inspiration, right?  So, why does it make me so sad?

Why does every look at happy femininity remind me of the path I did not take?  Why does it have to be so damn hard?!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Stuff and Nonsense

I haven't been reading (or writing... obviously!) much at all lately.  This is unusual for me, and is something I hope to correct soon.  In recent months, my reading has focused on the practices and philosophies of Yoga.  My interest in the discipline is recent, but I must admit that I am fascinated.  Never have I so instantly seen truth in a set of beliefs and principles.  It is absolutely amazing.

As often occurs, a recent reading yielded some wonderful nuggets for consideration, and some powerful thoughts for deeper reflection.  The article in the October issue of The Yoga Journal, titled "Branching Out" was written by Sally Kempton.  It explores the complex nature of family relationships and offers significant insight into living with the many dynamics involved.  I encourage you to seek it out.  Even though the article has absolutely nothing to do with gender issues, it addresses a key area of stress and difficulty for many of us in the gender variant community: family.

The article offers some real wisdom for turning family relationships into positive experiences, or at least into situations that do not create negative energy in your life.  One statement stood out that I would like to share.  "If the meaning of your relationships... is to learn, then no encounter is ever negative."  I love that thought.  I have often suggested that everyone has something to teach me, and what a wonderful way to create a positive out of a potential negative.  Remember - in every situation, there is an opportunity to learn and grow.

Peace out, sisters!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010


Hello to you all again!

Did you hear the bells ringing last Friday?  That's right, yours truly has officially tied the knot!  It was very nice, if very quick and convenient.  Given my travel situation this year, we had no time to plan a proper event, so we instead ran off to the courthouse and drove to New Orleans for a weekend of fun!

NOLA - It means New Orleans, Louisiana... took me the whole weekend to finally get it!

It was such a wonderful weekend, and while it would have certainly added a little spice; I don't regret not taking a single skirt with me.  We had plenty of fun without the costume changes.  We arrived in the afternoon on Saturday and checked into a lovely room at the Embassy Suites near the convention center.  It was a long drive, so we let our (my) age get the better of us and took a nap before heading for the French Quarter.  We spent Saturday night exploring Bourbon Street, listening to some great jazz / blues, perusing a few of the open galleries, and generally getting silly.  On Sunday, we strolled the galleries, walked the river front, napped some more, and headed back to Bourbon Street to round out our weekend.  So much fun!

Hey, did you know that on Labor Day weekend, the Big Easy plays host to the annual "Southern Decadence" celebration?  Me neither!  Imagine our surprise at learning we were NOT the only unique couple in New Orleans (kidding, we knew we'd be pretty "white bread" by comparison, even under "normal" circumstances).  Aside from a slightly unpleasant mauling experience while trying to wade through a mob on Saturday night, we really enjoyed being surrounded by so many people who made us feel, well, normal.

Being among such a large group of LGBT people was such an uplifting experience.  We knew we would have fun; we never imagined we'd find ourselves in such an appropriate surrounding.  I did come to one conclusion though - I will NEVER again go to New Orleans without my mascara and heels! 

We enjoyed it so much that we're already planning our "reunion tour" for next Labor Day weekend.  Who's in?

Monday, August 23, 2010

Self Helpfulness - Not Another Whiny Queen!

Greetings again.

It's interesting (to me, probably not to you) that I used to write so prolifically on multiple blogs and now struggle to make regular updates on just one.  More interestingly, it seems like a gradual degradation of creativity that began years ago.

I actually used to write poetry and numerous short-stories as a child.  Later, my creativity branched into music composition.  I seem to have peaked and started regression in my twenties.  It's like some sad-ironic life-long telling of "Flowers for Algernon."  Over the last couple years, though, I have to admit that my extended creative block seems less a loss of my super-powers and more like the recognition of a rut.

In my early blogscursions, I covered everything from movie reviews to political and religious commentary.  I dabbled in humor and did a little dramatic writing.  I even put the poet hat back on once or twice.  Over time, my creative juices seemed to settle into self-analysis and lament.  Eventually, the constant examination of self began to nauseate even me.  At the same time that I was beginning to realize my own whiny nature and to loathe my self-loathing self for it, I began to realize that it seemed to be a pretty common trend among us trans-folk.

This evolution of understanding slowly soured my desire to blog, and even more so my desire to read and participate in blogs.  My presence became scarce.  Now my desire to write, and to hopefully write professionally someday has brought me back to the blogosphere.  The question remains; is this the next step in my personal evolution, or just another spin around a well-worn block?  The coming months (and you, my friends) will have to judge.  I encourage your honest feedback.

This is my battle-cry:  I will post compelling content with an honest and forthright approach.  I will not wallow in the mire of self-pity, but will examine and share the experiences I encounter with an eye toward my eventual sense of self and self-worth.  I will not lament my station in life, my dress size, or my overambitious follicles.  I will not obsess over how the world sees me, who likes me, or how I got to this place in the world.  I will use my words to create my universe.  I will paint my self in my own light and reflect the light of the world - the good light - upon my existence.  I will construct the image that others take away with them.  Upon these pages, I will define myself - not as I was, but as I will be.  And as I understand who I will be, who I am will emerge.

Who's with me?


In the meantime, I'd love to introduce another title for your consideration.  I'm sure a vast majority of you in genderland are familiar with the name Calpernia Addams.  In her beats the heart of a creator, and that heart is laid bare for you in her stellar work, "Mark 947."  If you haven't already read it, be a dear and click the link.  You won't be sorry.  Her narrative flows like the brushstrokes of an artist painting a masterpiece.

If you have read it (or after you do), please share your thoughts about the work.  I'd love to know whether you agree.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Somuchtodo Andsolittle Thyme

Greetings kids!

Things have been soooo crazy. If I survive this year, it's a pretty safe bet that I am immortal. :o) I have made so many changes in the last six months, and have so many major milestones projected to occur this year, that I may quite possibly be dizzy for another decade. I am happy.

I really want to tell you all about all of it, but I've just not been able to spend the time. I will get there. In the mean time, I hope you are all doing well, and I'd love to hear what's going on with you. Leave a comment. Tell me how you are.

Peace, and hope to chat at you soon!


Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Hi I'm Here

No great revelations. Just stopping by to say hello.

Hello. Things are good; I am good. Just way too much going on to even breathe, much less create blog posts. I will be back, I promise.

After all, I have to tell you about the upcoming wedding (YYAAAAAAYYYY!!!!), and about my wedding dress. :) [floating amid fluffy clouds]

Take care!