Greetings everyone. It has been a very long time since I posted here. To be honest, I have lacked the motivation to write – or to do much of anything really. I have continued to move myself slowly toward a transition, though even that has been less than motivating lately. I think I am depressed.
I am married. My partner not only knows about who I am, she actively encourages my transition. I should be thrilled by that. Really, how many women (of my variety) ever really meet anyone – male or female – who is that open to this lifestyle? Yet I find myself rebelling against the situation. All I can seem to think about is how uncomfortable I am in this relationship, and how much I regret jumping into it. I try to assimilate. I try to remain positive. Nothing. I just keeping feeling more and more miserable.
I’m beginning to wonder if my head/heart simply rebels against anything that I perceive as influential or authoritative. It would seem that I have done exactly that my whole life. It’s like I’ve developed a chronic and incurable case of “greener grass” syndrome. No matter how favorable my situation, I see the beauty in the place I am not. I’ve even wondered if my very gender identity issue is just another extension of that rebellious nature… if my desire to be a woman is nothing more than my contrary nature telling me that being a woman is better than being a man.
In the end, I can’t help wondering if I were to go through with a transition; if I wouldn’t come out on the other end regretting that I did it. If the past is any indication, it is a distinct likelihood. I have to fix this.
Oye. This is going to be hard.