It Has Been a Very Long Time Since…

 

Greetings everyone.  It has been a very long time since I posted here.  To be honest, I have lacked the motivation to write – or to do much of anything really.  I have continued to move myself slowly toward a transition, though even that has been less than motivating lately.  I think I am depressed.

I am married.  My partner not only knows about who I am, she actively encourages my transition.  I should be thrilled by that.  Really, how many women (of my variety) ever really meet anyone – male or female – who is that open to this lifestyle?  Yet I find myself rebelling against the situation.  All I can seem to think about is how uncomfortable I am in this relationship, and how much I regret jumping into it.  I try to assimilate.  I try to remain positive.  Nothing.  I just keeping feeling more and more miserable.

I’m beginning to wonder if my head/heart simply rebels against anything that I perceive as influential or authoritative.  It would seem that I have done exactly that my whole life.  It’s like I’ve developed a chronic and incurable case of “greener grass” syndrome.  No matter how favorable my situation, I see the beauty in the place I am not.  I’ve even wondered if my very gender identity issue is just another extension of that rebellious nature… if my desire to be a woman is nothing more than my contrary nature telling me that being a woman is better than being a man.

In the end, I can’t help wondering if I were to go through with a transition; if I wouldn’t come out on the other end regretting that I did it.  If the past is any indication, it is a distinct likelihood.  I have to fix this.

Oye.  This is going to be hard.