Sunday, February 27, 2011

It Has Been a Very Long Time Since…


Greetings everyone.  It has been a very long time since I posted here.  To be honest, I have lacked the motivation to write – or to do much of anything really.  I have continued to move myself slowly toward a transition, though even that has been less than motivating lately.  I think I am depressed.

I am married.  My partner not only knows about who I am, she actively encourages my transition.  I should be thrilled by that.  Really, how many women (of my variety) ever really meet anyone – male or female – who is that open to this lifestyle?  Yet I find myself rebelling against the situation.  All I can seem to think about is how uncomfortable I am in this relationship, and how much I regret jumping into it.  I try to assimilate.  I try to remain positive.  Nothing.  I just keeping feeling more and more miserable.

I’m beginning to wonder if my head/heart simply rebels against anything that I perceive as influential or authoritative.  It would seem that I have done exactly that my whole life.  It’s like I’ve developed a chronic and incurable case of “greener grass” syndrome.  No matter how favorable my situation, I see the beauty in the place I am not.  I’ve even wondered if my very gender identity issue is just another extension of that rebellious nature… if my desire to be a woman is nothing more than my contrary nature telling me that being a woman is better than being a man.

In the end, I can’t help wondering if I were to go through with a transition; if I wouldn’t come out on the other end regretting that I did it.  If the past is any indication, it is a distinct likelihood.  I have to fix this.

Oye.  This is going to be hard.


  1. Kate, if you haven't discussed these feelings with a pro, it might be time. Your analysis seems very astute, and you may be on the verge of figuring out some important things about yourself. Whatever the truth is, don't fear it. You want to make sure you get this right.

    Big hugs,

  2. Thanks Leslie Ann, you are right. I have dabbled in the pool of professional counseling many times over the years, but I have never really allowed it to work.

    It would really be a good time to scale back my focus on the external, and to begin once and for all diving into what is really inside. I have never allowed that to happen before.

    Thank you so much for your advice.


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