Monday, August 17, 2009

Holy Crap On a Cracker


I shouldn't be allowed to post while drinking... though I am drinking now. I shouldn't be allowed to post while drinking after spending an entire day alone followed by chickening out at the prospect of going to a bar alone even though I know that it would be better than sitting home alone and deciding instead to watch depressing (but good) movies... while drinking. Yeah, that's it.

Battling depression can be very difficult as my post last night no doubt supports. It's a little ironic, honestly. I put myself in most of the situations that have me feeling trapped. I create the walls that keep the meaningful friendships out. I have not been ostracized. I have sequestered myself. Yet, somehow I still feel powerless to change that reality.

I played with makeup yesterday. That didn't help. I haven't "transformed" in a couple years; in fact, I haven't even played around with makeup since the last "transformation." The end result was scary. It brought back memories of the first time I ever wore makeup (not counting my own pathetic experiments). Those of you who have ever read any "transgender fiction" or other gender diverse literature - you know who you are! - will recall the typical format of any good fictional story:
  • The boy reluctantly agrees to allow some important female figure to dress him up.
  • Once dressed (or vice-versa), he is convinced to go ahead and try just a little makeup.
  • The temptress finishes her work and - to both his and her amazement - reveals a teenage beauty queen emerging from the rough canvas of geeky teenage boyhood.

How many of us have fantasized that with just a little eyeshadow and lipstick, we too would magically transform into the image of feminine beauty? I'll never forget the first time a female friend made me up. I was disappointed not because the experiment was brutally embarrassingly interrupted by unexpected visitors (a funny story in and of itself), but because of the utter disappointment I felt at seeing how I "really" looked. I hoped and prayed for the unveiling of feminine beauty. After what seemed like hours of hair styling (yes, I really did have long hair back then) and subsequent face painting, my grand unveiling did reveal something unexpected.

I saw me with makeup on. My friend was insistent that I totally looked like a girl, and maybe I did; but I saw the same face. I saw the same person. And I saw the paints that were trying to hide the reality of my being. My experiments yesterday yielded much the same result.

I don't know what I expect to uncover by covering myself in pigments and paint. I don't know what revelations I hope to encounter through the application of lip color and mascara. I do know that the person that "shines" through is still me. She is not the woman of my dreams, nor - I suspect - is she the woman of any other man's dreams. She is just a sad, awkwardly painted mess who reveals more in the emptiness of her smile than in the brightness of her eye shadow.

Who said, "a little paint and some new shutters can do wonders for the resale value?"


Saturday, August 15, 2009

From the Abyss

It has been a very bad day. It was supposed to be a good day. It was bad, instead. I know that it will pass... I think. I always know that it will pass, but I always know that it will come back too. Sometimes I really wonder what is the point. It would be so much better if it could all just end, you know? I want to be me, I want to be okay, I want to stand up and proclaim myself... I want to exist happily. I don't.

And everything I see reminds me of that. I see the glory of God's creation, and I hear them shouting and laughing... "it's not for you, fag!" I see happy couples and know that no one could be happy with the twisted gruesome mess that is my life to bear. I am damaged, broken, obscene. I don't belong in polite society. I deserve all the isolation, loneliness, misery, and hollowness that I feel. I am not normal. Only normal people deserve to share this life. Ask them.

It was supposed to be a good day, but then I remembered that I am truly and utterly alone. And no good work, no penance, no revelation or epiphany will ever change that. Fat, thin, pretty, or grotesque - I am alone. Separated from society, safely tucked away where I belong... as if there were anywhere that I belonged.

Make it stop.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Greetings All!

Hi there! Not much to report; I just wanted to stop by and let everyone know that I'm still out here! As irregularly as I have posted in the last few months, I'm sure some may be wondering what the heck is going on with this girl!

Well, I've been very focused on trying to lose weight, and that has absorbed a lot of time. I hate to admit it, but I've had very little luck affecting my eating habits. While I am definitely eating better "quality" foods (very little fried and / or breaded stuff and far fewer stops at fast food drive-thu's, etc.), my diet is still pretty terrible. HOWEVER! I have more than made up for that weakness with physical activity, and I have been seeing some definite results. [SMILES!] I've even started getting comments from coworkers about my weight loss [GIDDY SMILES!], which always makes me feel great.

The best part is that I pulled out my favorite black denim skirt this morning... just to see. It hasn't fit in over a year [sad face]. This morning though, I slipped it on with ease and didn't even have to "suck it up" to get the button fastened and the zipper up. [GIDDY SMILING SOMERSAULTS!] The best part is that even when I first bought it, I had to really struggle to get into it... and I considered that "a good fit." HA HA!

Beyond that, I was (perhaps somewhat vainly) staring at my legs in the mirror the other day (after a coworker commented that she thought even my legs looked thinner), and I'm amazed at how much more slender they have become. Yay for me!! :)

So, I'm still out here, everything is going well, and I'm looking forward to fall cooler weather and a reemergence for skinny Katie. [and the crowd goes wild!]

Hope everyone is well. Leave a note and let me know you're still out there!