Saturday, August 15, 2009

From the Abyss

It has been a very bad day. It was supposed to be a good day. It was bad, instead. I know that it will pass... I think. I always know that it will pass, but I always know that it will come back too. Sometimes I really wonder what is the point. It would be so much better if it could all just end, you know? I want to be me, I want to be okay, I want to stand up and proclaim myself... I want to exist happily. I don't.

And everything I see reminds me of that. I see the glory of God's creation, and I hear them shouting and laughing... "it's not for you, fag!" I see happy couples and know that no one could be happy with the twisted gruesome mess that is my life to bear. I am damaged, broken, obscene. I don't belong in polite society. I deserve all the isolation, loneliness, misery, and hollowness that I feel. I am not normal. Only normal people deserve to share this life. Ask them.

It was supposed to be a good day, but then I remembered that I am truly and utterly alone. And no good work, no penance, no revelation or epiphany will ever change that. Fat, thin, pretty, or grotesque - I am alone. Separated from society, safely tucked away where I belong... as if there were anywhere that I belonged.

Make it stop.

1 comment:

  1. This post reminds me off the deaf lady from "What the Bleep do we Know?". Perhaps our perception of ourselves and our happiness are just chemical reactions? Crap, I don't even know if I understood that movie in the first place. I'm still trying to make a basketball float in the air.


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