It has been a very bad day. It was supposed to be a good day. It was bad, instead. I know that it will pass... I think. I always know that it will pass, but I always know that it will come back too. Sometimes I really wonder what is the point. It would be so much better if it could all just end, you know? I want to be me, I want to be okay, I want to stand up and proclaim myself... I want to exist happily. I don't.
And everything I see reminds me of that. I see the glory of God's creation, and I hear them shouting and laughing... "it's not for you, fag!" I see happy couples and know that no one could be happy with the twisted gruesome mess that is my life to bear. I am damaged, broken, obscene. I don't belong in polite society. I deserve all the isolation, loneliness, misery, and hollowness that I feel. I am not normal. Only normal people deserve to share this life. Ask them.
It was supposed to be a good day, but then I remembered that I am truly and utterly alone. And no good work, no penance, no revelation or epiphany will ever change that. Fat, thin, pretty, or grotesque - I am alone. Separated from society, safely tucked away where I belong... as if there were anywhere that I belonged.
Make it stop.
This post reminds me off the deaf lady from "What the Bleep do we Know?". Perhaps our perception of ourselves and our happiness are just chemical reactions? Crap, I don't even know if I understood that movie in the first place. I'm still trying to make a basketball float in the air.
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