Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Eyes Forward

I mentioned yesterday that new and exciting adventures are on the horizon for Kat-Girl. I am not quite ready to talk details, but I will tell you that I feel a real sense of rightness in my heart regarding my recent contemplations. Now, I have only to figure out exactly how to get from now into that future, and I am on my way! Of course, that is the hard part. Actually, there are several.

The concept floating in my brain is not quickly achieved. It is not an extremely lofty goal in terms of time to get there, but it could require as much as a year to accomplish in total, even if I am aggressive. The two primary stumbling blocks that I see right now are the challenge of remaining afloat while doing what I need to do to accomplish my goal, and the risk that the particular unfilled niche I want to satisfy could be filled by the time I am ready. I think that risk is fairly low, but it is a risk, no less.

I am excited, friends. I am also a little scared, but I really do feel like I am on to something. The most exciting part is that I have entered into this (okay, all I have done so far is send an email... but, you know) without a male mask. If I succeed, even in part, this will be my last step toward a permanent life for Kate. We are talking months people... months!

Last year at this time, my best hope was a three to five year plan to finally be able to live a true life in the correct gender. Now, I have a chance to reach that milestone by the end of this calendar year and maybe even sooner. There can be no more compelling argument in favor of taking the leap. Doubts and worries aside, my one thought is that I must get there... no matter what it takes. It is no longer a question of if I can do this, but of how I will get it done.

The trash bags are poised at the closet door, awaiting that final clean out. I cannot believe I am so close.

Peace and Love from Cloud 9,

Monday, January 30, 2012

When the OS Starts to Fall

Gee folks, I am sorry.  I am still trying to recover from whatever alien plague has infected my system.  The good news is that I have neither morphed into reptilian form, nor have I become inextricably entwined in the hardwiring of my Mac through some strange nanobotic infestation.  The bad news is that, while I have spent the better part of my morning attempting to work through a drug induced stupor; I have been unable to provide any new and meaningful content for the blog.

I have three separate word documents sitting open on my desktop discussing three separate topics.  I started each out of the lack of inspiration generated by the last.  On the up side, while utterly failing to wow you, dear readers, with more of my witty prose; I did at least succeed (while distracting myself from writer's block) in resurrecting a previously defunct laptop by installing Ubuntu in place of Windows Vista... take THAT Microsoft!  I guess I can feel good about that.

Hopefully as the fog of this infliction passes, an uncluttered and unimpaired mind will rise to the task of providing new and exciting updates for your reading pleasure.  In the interim, rest assured that all is going well in Kat-Girl's lair (except for the whole illness thing, of course).  New and exciting - if terrifying - adventures are on the horizon for your frisky feline friend.  Stay tuned until next time!


Sunday, January 29, 2012

Catching Up, New Beginnings

I sit watching Netflix and hacking up lungs, writhing in the agony of body aches and sore throats, and generally feeling pretty damn cruddy – yes dear, neglected readers, Kat-Girl is under the weather – and it occurs to me that I should be using this time to catch up on long overdue writing.  The Netflix Queue can wait.  Change is on the horizon, loves.

The fabric of my disparate life paths has stretched to its limit, and a tear is beginning to form at the edge.  The filters are beginning to fail, and the time is coming when life outside of Kate will not be possible.  My ability to convert to a faux male finish has begun to match my desire for the same.  That is to say, not only do I no longer wish to maintain a male persona (ever), doing so has become difficult.  The scale has tipped.

Not long ago, switching to my correct self was the challenge.  Getting it right was an elusive dream, and my unrequited passion was to hear and see the evidence of public recognition of my correct gender.  It has now become commonplace.  Dressed sloppily, and even unshaven, I regularly hear “ma’am” when addressed in public.  It is not perfect.  I am seldom “mistaken” for female when dressed for work (though that too has happened), and I do still inspire an occasional double take or questionable stare.  The beautiful thing, though, is that I virtually never notice.

I will catch the overly blatant assholes, but generally I become aware of a situation only after my beautiful partner becomes “protective.”  And in almost every case, my reaction is a sense of wonder at the power I hold over those individuals’ happiness.  Imagine being so miserable in your life, that your entire day can be unsettled, because I happened to walk within twenty feet of you – how sad for you that you would give me that power.  And to think, I am the one in therapy!

Things are not perfect.  I have bad days.  Most, not all, of them stem from the discomfort of continuing the male fa├žade for the sake of maintaining a career.  Those days, too, are numbered.  Life is too short, and I have already sacrificed far too much of mine to this game.  The day is approaching when I will finally clear away the last remnants of a false life, the closet will be cleaned of trousers and golf shirts, sport coats and neck ties, and my divergent selves will once and for all resolve into a single life path.

The thought both terrifies and exhilarates me.  I am scared, because of the practical matters I do not have figured out; but I am so excited to know that life is moving forward and in the right direction.  No matter how scary, I cannot pick flowers from the garden, when my hands are full of tools from the shed.

You cannot love anew, until you let go of the old… unless you are Newt Gingrich… and we can all see how that worked out.

Peace, my loves.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Resolution Revolution 2012

Greetings, friends; I have a half dozen other posts started and waiting for my attention, but I wanted to share this with you today.  New Year’s resolutions have never really been part of my life plan.  I have tried them a few times, and I have experienced that ever-predictable outcome.  We all know the drill: make a list of things to get done in 2012, set rigid time lines, and aggressive goals, and immediately start blowing it only to shrug off the entire exercise by the end of January.  I am taking a slightly different approach to the process this year, and I think it may interest some of you.

The primary difference this year is that I will not set specific targets.  I do not intend to actually reach an end point with either of my focuses for the year.  I wish only to improve in certain parts of my life, not to reach any particular milestone.  The other change is that I am no longer including gender issues as part of my quest, and this is for two reasons.  The first is that I am on a course, and the momentum is already there.  I do not need to push toward an end game – I feel that I will achieve those particular goals already (YAY!!!).  The other reason I am not focusing on gender issues is that my gender is not the source of my unhappiness.

Sit down, please do not panic.  There are no broad political or philosophical statements happening here.  No one needs to cry heresy or blow up the blogosphere with even more trans-political drama.  I am not suggesting that correcting my gender is unnecessary; on the contrary, I have to do it.  I am saying that if I could have those operations and make the final switch tomorrow, I would still be the same unhappy person; I would just be an unhappy person in the correct body.  Knowing that I will achieve my gender goal, I am free to focus on my mental / emotional wellbeing in the rest of my life.  After all, what is the point of reaching my goal if I cannot be happy when I get there?

There are two issues that I feel a need to work on this year.  I am not sure which is the larger or more difficult to address, but each adds a fair amount of negative energy to my life.  In fact, I believe they are two of the major sources of my unhappiness.  One problem I see in myself is that I carry a lot of regrets.  I spend significant amounts of time looking back over my life, analyzing, considering, and lamenting the various events in time and mistakes I have made.  2012 Focus #1: I want to work on looking back less – living in the present and toward the future.  The other issue will be a little more difficult, I think.

I have always been a very repressed person, and I think it is a lot of what drives both my terrible mood swings and my anger issues.  I bottle things up.  When something bothers me, rather than address it and risk an uncomfortable situation (and my own relief), I hold onto the emotion and let whatever issue caused it slip away.  The problem is the feelings never slip away.  I constantly carry with me a well of pent up emotions and hurt.  Those feelings build with each new event, until all the negativity bursts out of me in fits of anger and tears.  The worst part is that the various events are usually minor, and ultimately so too is the issue that tips the scale; but by the time the balloon pops, I have the emotions from countless previous issues that pile onto the one that finally pushes me to act on my feelings.  The result is ugly… and often ridiculous.  Not to mention carrying all that negative emotion around is just depressing, and it shows.

So, (drum roll please) 2012 Focus #2: I need to stop carrying an emotional cache.  Rather than concern myself with appearing unreasonable or being a bitch, I simply need to express the emotions that occur when they occur.  I need to stream my response to life, not buffer it.  I started working on this yesterday, and I quickly realized that I have a bit of a well to drain before I get it right and can express myself openly and appropriately in a moment.  Right now, my intensity level is still a little off pace with the nature of events that upset me.  The molehills did not quite become mountains, but they certainly would house some big moles!  Regardless, it is progress.  I do not think I will get it perfect, and I am not going to try.  I just want to do a better job of letting go of the things that upset me, and I think that starts with not trying to contain the emotions those events create.

There you have it, my plan for the New Year – leave the past in the past and my cards on the table.  No looking back, and no holding back.  Let it go, and let it fly.  Weigh anchor and weigh in.  I think you get the idea.

Ciao babes!