Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Stand Up

There is no one reason I came out, and there is no one reason that I have decided to transition.  The reasons are innumerable, in fact.  I can point to a final push - an epiphany, if you will.  I realized that in my heart, I was a hypocrite.

And as much as I hate to bring this up, my inspiration was Tyler Clementi.  Let me clarify.  I was not inspired by Tyler Clementi the person; on the contrary, when I heard the news I was pissed off... at him.  I simply could not understand how someone would choose death over the idea of facing his own sexuality.  How could anyone believe that being gay was worse than dying?  Certainly I was outraged at the injustice brought upon him by two worthless human beings who deserve a fate worse than Tyler's, but my real rage was directed at the boy himself.  In a way, I suppose I saw his choice to commit suicide as a denunciation of my own sexuality / gender dysphoria.

At the height of my moral indignation, a thought occurred to me.  The life I was living was every bit as wasted as was Clementi's.  And the fact that I was still hiding behind veiled references and innuendo was at least as tragic and even more dishonest.  I realized that I had no right to the sense of outrage I was feeling.  That until I made the choice to stand up and acknowledge who I was, my life would remain a well of potential energy; which is to say that it would serve no purpose... or at least, it would not be serving the full purpose for which I believe my life was intended.

I was born transsexual.  I chose to do something about it.  Now, I choose to make that matter.  I do not yet know what it is or how it will be achieved, but I know my life will serve a purpose... that I can make something better.

And I will.

Thank you Tyler for pissing me off.  And to Tyler's family, I am so deeply sorry for your loss.  I have lost many love ones in my life, but never a child.  I cannot begin to imagine that pain.  I hope, though, that you will one day be able to take comfort in the knowledge that Tyler did make the world a better place.  By inspiring people to step into the light, to tell their stories, and to lift up others who are hurting; Tyler (and others like him) has made a difference.

Love... just love,

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