Sunday, November 1, 2009

And A Happy Halloween was had by… Some.

Greetings all,

This has been a monumental weekend. I have officially completed the course-work for the first of my classes. It has certainly taken more effort than I anticipated, but it seems manageable. I am happy to have this little milestone achieved.

On a less festive note, another Halloween has come and gone. Halloween is by far my most favorite holiday of them all. Of course, we all know why that is – it’s the one time of year when boys in dresses raise little more than a chuckle from the neighbors. Sadly, as with most Halloween evenings, I again did nothing at all this year. I have been very depressed about it all weekend. The problem is that I am surrounded by absolutely ZERO friends with whom I can be myself. Yes, you’re out there, and I love each and every one of you; but as usual, I’m a bazillion miles away from you all with no chance of getting together.

With little else to do this weekend, I reflected a whole bunch on this whole Halloween thing. Okay, not entirely accurate. I watched a bunch of sappy love stories (“Imagine Me and You,” “The Lake House,” “Sweet November,” “Somewhere In Time,” you know, that kind of thing), cried for hours on end, wondered if I would ever feel the flutter of emotion that comes from seeing a man crouch on one knee in front of me, cried some more, had some drinks, did a bunch of Facebooking, THEN reflected a whole bunch on this whole Halloween thing. As I semi-publicly lamented my lack of Halloween festivity again this year, I received a comment on FB that really gave me pause. The comment was:
Here is your prescription: On Saturday, dress to the nines, and go out. Go
anywhere you'd like; because it's freakin' Halloween and the only day of the
year that you can get away with it! Do it! (You know you wanna). DON'T HOLD
Great advice, and I dearly love my good friend who offered it, but a particular part of the comment really stuck with me – “the only day of the year you can get away with it [emphasis added].” Is that what I’ve been doing? I suppose it is.

I’m living for the one night I can “get away with it,” when what I really want is to live every day of my life externally aligned with the person I feel like on the inside. I realize that I am placing so much importance on Halloween, because it is the one day that I am still “safe.” The truth is that I am still so afraid of the potential consequences of openly expressing who I am to the outside world that I am still hiding behind the guise of plausible deniability. I don’t have to actually take a chance; I don’t have to actually admit anything when I can say, “hey, it’s just in fun… you know, for Halloween.”

That is not what I want. I have been deluding myself. I cannot keep clinging to these stupid safety nets! Eventually, I’m going to have to learn how to work without them. Oh boy. I’m scared. I’m going to need a lot of friends!


  1. Yeah, feeling safe is incompatible with our goals. It's all about risk. Kate, there are so many TGs in the Dallas-Ft Worth area. Have you not joined a support group? You need friends and there are plenty close by. Make that a short term goal, sister!

  2. You know, I have heard that over and over again. It drives me crazy. I have been here for over 2 years, and I have tried like crazy to find some outlet, some network, hell... just someplace where I didn't have to pretend I was someone else. I have not found it. I cannot begin to describe the amount of spite I feel toward the TX trans community. If it does exist, it's too busy satisfying it's own hedonism to allow a lonely outsider into the flock.

    Thank you so much for the comment Leslie Ann. I wish I shared your optimism about this barren and lonely state. The up side is that I will only be stuck here for a few more months.

    In the mean time, I'll continue to dream of a promised land.

  3. Wow, sounds like a real paradise there. I made it as far as Texarkana when I was eight, so I have no real world Texas experience. Come on up to Kentucky where trans folks help one another! Sure, we have some cliques, but there's always room for another. I hope your new home will be more hospitable.


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