Life is so full of friction these days. It seems there is nowhere I can turn, no place to go where some form of conflict doesn't force its way into my being. It is quickly becoming more exhausting than I can bear. I suppose it has been building for years... or disintegrating, whichever way you choose to see it. I believe disintegrating is more accurate.
I have reached a stage when my thoughts are so clouded, my creativity so mired, my will so worn, that I wonder if I really have the strength to see this thing to the end. Hell, I don't even know what this thing is anymore. I have long realized this to be my core obstacle - I have no focus. If one were to ask of me, "What do you want?", I would certainly have an answer. But follow that question with "okay, then what?", and I am lost.
That is probably not fair. I don't suppose too many people really do know "then what." For me the problem has been that at any given time, the "then what" may be so radically different from the "now," that my life never begins to move but simply to continually start over. In the mean time, the things that I'm doing while I try to figure out how to live my life... have become my life. So, I have become defined by the middle-aged middle-manager who shaves his face in my mirror every morning. I am no longer the artistic, creative, beautiful soul who once dreamed in song lyrics and soaring adventures. I am now a bean counting toad who can't figure out why nothing seems to look right in my life.
Thanks to those who have been sending me communication around the whole counseling endeavor. I do truly appreciate your input, and I welcome all the advice I get. It is obvious (to me, if not to you) that I need it.
Much love to all my pretties.