In every life there are relationships. There are a few distinct types of relationships
that are important for a person's mental health. In a startlingly excellent book on the
subject of belonging, Joseph Myers writes about some of these. He breaks relationships (or perhaps it was
friendships… it has been a long time since I read the book) into four types –
public, social, personal, and intimate.
Again, forgive my lapse if this is not completely accurate, but his
descriptions essentially are as follows.
Public relationships are those in which you may know each other’s names
but little more. Social relationships
are the types you build at social events.
Personal relationships are ones in which you share slightly more
detailed information about yourself - the ones in which you might talk about your problems, and the intimate relationships are “naked
and unashamed.” Simple enough? Myers suggests that one of the most important
relationships for personal well being is the social relationship, because those
are where you reinforce your positive self-image. I will link the work at the end of the post
if you are interested. If you want a deeper explanation (and a better understanding of why I agree with him), go read it.
I think there are other distinctions that are important, though, and
I am only recently learning this.
Relationships can be defined in terms of depth of information sharing,
but I think longevity is another important element. This is where family comes into play. In our lives, there are people we have known
for "a while," and there are people we have known “forever.” Generally, those people we have known "forever" are family. I can interpret a relationship in many ways. I can say that my relationship with someone
is intimate, but what is that when my common experience with that person is
limited to just “a while” in my life?
Are not the most intimate of intimate relationships those ones in which
your mutual memory has no conscious beginning?
Are those not the people who truly know you, and whom you truly know?
So, our tightest, strongest, and most intricate bond is with
those people with whom we have been close “forever.” Set your emotions aside and think about
it. Is it not true that there are people
in your life with whom you share more commonality and history than those people
whom you have chosen to call intimate? I
am not faulting the self-proclaimed intimate relationship; I am simply
suggesting that there are some relationships in which the intimacy is not
chosen but instinctive. Those are the
people who truly know you. They get you.
But that is the problem for a trans-woman. Many of us have lived a lifetime with those
relationships only to arrive at some point to the revelation that those people
who have always known us, those people with whom we have always shared the
most naturally, do not, in fact, know us at all.
In a single sentence, an entire history – an entire common existence is
unraveled. Suddenly, we have no
instinctively, naturally, unrestrained intimate relationship at all. Place the blame where you like; I do not
believe there is one. The people, our
families, on the other end of that sentence learn suddenly that everything they
thought they knew is not. We suddenly
face the fact that we are a stranger to the people we have known “forever.”
It is enough to make a girl cry. And the people who used to share those tears
no longer exist in her world.
It is a train of thought, people. I am not proofreading or editing; I apologize
if it is sloppy… you got an update, so there.
Peace and much hippy talk,
Kate
The book:
TTFN!
