Wednesday, April 25, 2012

I Put the “T” in “What the Hell Are You Thinking?” – And Other Fun Stories

Taking things in moderation has never been mystyle.  I am either going a million miles  an hour, or my boat is sinking.  Chaos takes on an artistic flair when I start getting motivated… but let us be honest; it is still chaos.

I have been depressed lately… very depressed.  Work life has played a part in it, home life even more.  Not much has gone right on that front lately, but it is getting better for the moment, so I would rather not dwell on that.  Sadly, work life would be phenomenal if not for the whole gender issue.  I feel like I made a bit of a tactical error by not laying my cards on the table before accepting the position.  But, the truth is I needed the job, so I chose not to risk it.

I may have experienced a mini-break through last week.  It is hard to tell, but I think that is what happened.  I know I am unhappy.  Over the last few weeks, all the things that do not make me happy have been rolling around in my mind and rearing their ugly heads at every turn.  I started thinking about what it would really take for me to be happy.  No matter how much I pondered the question, I had no answer.  I could iterate all the things that make me unhappy, all the elements of my life that bring me discomfort or misery; but I could not list one thing that made me happy.

Allow me to pause for clarification.  Everything I am discussing is outside the realm of relationships.  This is not about the people in my life; it is about the life in me, and how much of me is living.

So, rather than think about what would make me happy, I started thinking about what my life would look like if I were to draw it for myself.  I pictured spending my days writing, painting, and publishing.  I would have fish in a beautiful aquarium (I don’t know why that is in my vision).  I would have music.  My time would be devoted to creation and imagination.  I would exercise and eat well.  I would wear flowing skirts, and my hair would be long and wavy.  I would spend time with friends.  I would cook.  There would be water in my surroundings – a lake, or the ocean, and a patio with a view of it.

From this simple exercise came a feeling.  I was thinking about my life in terms of how I would draw it if I could.  The fact is that life is mine to draw any way I choose.  Motivation reborn.

The problem is that none of it can happen now… well aside from maybe the fish.  I have work to do if I ever hope to embody the vision I have of myself.  But with this realization, I have redoubled my efforts to drive change.  I may be jumping right into the deep end, but that is usually how I do things.  In the last 48 hours, I have identified and set an appointment with a doctor for HRT, I have initiated electrolysis (I am at the end of seeing benefit from laser), I have re-enrolled in college(again), and by the end of this week hope to have FFS+ scheduled for this fall.

The next couple years will either get me where I am going, or kill me along the way.  It should be interesting.  Wish me luck!

Peace and much love,

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