Taking things in moderation has never been mystyle. I am either going a million miles an hour, or my boat is sinking. Chaos takes on an artistic flair when I start getting motivated… but let us be honest; it is still chaos.
I have been depressed lately… very depressed. Work life has played a part in it, home life even more. Not much has gone right on that front lately, but it is getting better for the moment, so I would rather not dwell on that. Sadly, work life would be phenomenal if not for the whole gender issue. I feel like I made a bit of a tactical error by not laying my cards on the table before accepting the position. But, the truth is I needed the job, so I chose not to risk it.
I may have experienced a mini-break through last week. It is hard to tell, but I think that is what happened. I know I am unhappy. Over the last few weeks, all the things that do not make me happy have been rolling around in my mind and rearing their ugly heads at every turn. I started thinking about what it would really take for me to be happy. No matter how much I pondered the question, I had no answer. I could iterate all the things that make me unhappy, all the elements of my life that bring me discomfort or misery; but I could not list one thing that made me happy.
Allow me to pause for clarification. Everything I am discussing is outside the realm of relationships. This is not about the people in my life; it is about the life in me, and how much of me is living.
So, rather than think about what would make me happy, I started thinking about what my life would look like if I were to draw it for myself. I pictured spending my days writing, painting, and publishing. I would have fish in a beautiful aquarium (I don’t know why that is in my vision). I would have music. My time would be devoted to creation and imagination. I would exercise and eat well. I would wear flowing skirts, and my hair would be long and wavy. I would spend time with friends. I would cook. There would be water in my surroundings – a lake, or the ocean, and a patio with a view of it.
From this simple exercise came a feeling. I was thinking about my life in terms of how I would draw it if I could. The fact is that life is mine to draw any way I choose. Motivation reborn.
The problem is that none of it can happen now… well aside from maybe the fish. I have work to do if I ever hope to embody the vision I have of myself. But with this realization, I have redoubled my efforts to drive change. I may be jumping right into the deep end, but that is usually how I do things. In the last 48 hours, I have identified and set an appointment with a doctor for HRT, I have initiated electrolysis (I am at the end of seeing benefit from laser), I have re-enrolled in college(again), and by the end of this week hope to have FFS+ scheduled for this fall.
The next couple years will either get me where I am going, or kill me along the way. It should be interesting. Wish me luck!
Peace and much love,