Monday, July 9, 2012

Trans Woman Down: MIA or Something

I know that I start a lot of posts this way (sorry), but I apologize for my prolonged absences from this blog.  I vowed to myself that I was not going to be one of those transwomen who flooded the blogosphere with melodramatic crap all through transition only to disappear once I had it all figured out.  I figured on continuing the melodramatic crap indefinitely.  Okay, I promised myself that I would be there to support others, and yet, I gradually fade from the blog anyway.  The catch is, I do not have anything figured out yet... so nyah! =P

Seriously though, things are moving along.  I am still struggling emotionally, I will not deny that; but please allow me to rationalize for a moment (shut up, this is my blog, and I can have any delusions I like).  My entire world is upside down.  Certainly, I am making the changes and beginning to live the life I always dreamed I might, but it is all a futures game right now.  Lately, my weeks consist of pain and bills.  If I am not spending my free time playing Frankenstein’s monster meets Pinhead, I am frantically scrambling to finish schoolwork, or trying to maintain a household (something I have utterly failed at since taking on a new job, and school, and electrolysis, and doctors, and... well, you get the idea): all on the promise of eventually being whole.  And can I just say this?  For all you nuts and zealots out there who think this is a choice: I challenge you to sit for just five minutes of an electrolysis session (something I endure an average of three to four hours weekly), and then try to tell me that anyone anywhere would choose that.  Sorry, I digress.

The point - is it any wonder that I am a little down?  I am putting my body through hell, I am almost always in pain, and I am spending a fortune for the privilege.  Yes, it will all be worth it soon; but some days, it is just a little hard to “keep my chin up,” especially when my chin is swollen to roughly the size of Rhode Island.  I am not asking for understanding per se; I am asking that we do not further burden the situation with a lot of feel good crap, because, well... right now, it does not feel very good.  Just let me make it through the next couple months.  The big show happens on September 7.  I fully expect to be in pain to that point, and to experience a whole new level of misery for a couple months after that.  But then... then, my friends... look out!

In recent news, school is going well; but it is also a driving factor in my absence here.  I am currently turning out a few thousand words per week in school work; writing blog posts after all that is just a little too much.  I have made the physical transition (well, ninety percent of it) at work.  I still need to have the big talk, but that will come soon enough.  Until then, I have the satisfaction of not perpetuating any illusions.  Oh, and did I mention that I have a surgery date?  How could I have neglected that?  I have booked three fourths of the procedures for September 7.  Yes, I did.  I am a little bit excited about that.

Anyway, I hope everyone is doing well.  Take care!

Peace and love,Kate

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