Difficult Choices

It is ironic how a person can live over four decades and with each successive year be less certain about her future.  Frankly, the questions about what I am going to be when I grow up are a little out of season now; I think it is time to start making some hard choices.  Oh, let me pause.  This is not a transition post friends, do not panic –put down your torches!  My life is muddled with half-lived dreams and unrealized passions.  It is time to start weeding my garden.

I have always been a very creative girl: artistic, musical, a good eye for color, and a strong sense of harmony – natural and musical.  My life used to flow on a rhythmical current, and my gifts were many, and they manifested easily.  I could write poetry and music, I could make (reasonably) beautiful music on my violin, I could draw and even paint, and it all came straight from my heart.  That is just not true any more.  On the rare occasions my gifts peak to the surface, they are squelched by a cacophony of discordant influences – not the least of which is my own eroding attention span.  I do not have the luxury of creative expression.  I have the illusion of an eclectic music studio that is inexplicably littered by random shit that exudes from a pit of repugnant filth.

And that is on a clean day.

The truth is that I very rarely choose, willingly, to climb the stairs to my instruments these days.  On the very rare occasions when the motivation overwhelms me, I even more rarely manage to actually play for more than a few minutes.  Between the alien feel of my conquered pets – I no longer even know how my primary synth will start, it has been so mangled – and just the general discomfort I feel at being in that space; my resolve is quickly defeated.  The sad truth is I will not win this battle without losing a greater war.

So there it is.  Time to hit the factory reset on my devices, box them up, and sell them off to the bidder with the most grandiose dreams.  It will be hard to part with some of them, but I think it is probably best.  So, very soon, I will attempt to post a list of the various treasures I have decided to relinquish.  If you are interested in providing a good home and tender attention… and the right dollar figure, of course… my beauties may become yours.

Among the list will be two Yamaha synths (one 88 key stage model and one vintage that needs work), a Korg analog rack synth (plus midi interfaces), a gorgeous Ibanez 5-string wood grain bass guitar with a Yamaha stack (I believe 500 watts), a 6 string acoustic Takamimi knock-off with soft shell case, a cello with all the trimmings barely ever touched, a number of miscellaneous devices – Sennheiser studio mic, various stands, a PA speaker system with effects (400 watt), a slew of cables and stuff, and one final piece.  This is the one that will be hardest to let go.  My violin is a German made instrument built in the early 1920’s.  It is beautiful, if travel worn, but it needs to be played to once again find the warmth and beauty that used to blossom from its strings.  The violin itself will not go cheaply, but I will include the few accessory items I still have for it (most of them were picked up in a pinch, so you’ll need to invest in things like a good bow… not the fiberglass thing that replaced my octagonal stick pernambucco wood bow, which I snapped over a music stand twenty years ago).

This will not be easy, my friends, but it is time to face the reality that my musical dreams evaporated eons ago, and the desire that remains is not strong enough to fight for the freedom to express it.  I have made my decision.

Garage sale at Katgirl’s Lair… coming soon!

Peace and stuff,

Kate