I am so lost. I often wonder just what God has planned for me. It is so frustrating that every time (and I am NOT exaggerating) I think I have resolved to pursue one direction, I am almost immediately presented with a catalyst that triggers an about face.
I do not believe in coincidence. Everything happens for a reason. The problem is that I can never figure out the damn reason! Whenever I choose, I am invariably presented with a "promise" that begs my redirection. The confusing part is that I don't know from where these promises originate. Am I compelled to move toward my femininity because that is the path toward God's plan for me, or is that merely a plot to keep me from realizing my purpose? Whenever I decide to embrace my femininity, why I am immediately presented with the opportunity to enhance my masculinity? Is the promise of a woman's love an offering from God, or is it a trick to keep me off the path to reconciliation? I am so confused.
The worst part is that I don't understand why I need to choose. I am an attractive man, and I enjoy a lot of benefit from my male life (great career, lots of money, meaningful friendships). I enjoy a lot of the positives of my masculinity, but there is a whole other side. I am soft and gentle. I love to love, and I love to be loved. I want nothing more than to be beautiful in someones eyes. I am feminine by nature, so much so that I have to make a conscious effort NOT to respond naturally to stimuli. I'm also pretty cute (well... :) I think so). So why can't I be both?
Why should any of us have to choose? What is wrong with living my life along the line that I instinctively see in front of me? I'm not entirely anything. So, why can't I be who I am... someone who resides comfortably in between?
Just a thought.