I am so lost. I often wonder just what God has planned for me. It is so frustrating that every time (and I am NOT exaggerating) I think I have resolved to pursue one direction, I am almost immediately presented with a catalyst that triggers an about face.
I do not believe in coincidence. Everything happens for a reason. The problem is that I can never figure out the damn reason! Whenever I choose, I am invariably presented with a "promise" that begs my redirection. The confusing part is that I don't know from where these promises originate. Am I compelled to move toward my femininity because that is the path toward God's plan for me, or is that merely a plot to keep me from realizing my purpose? Whenever I decide to embrace my femininity, why I am immediately presented with the opportunity to enhance my masculinity? Is the promise of a woman's love an offering from God, or is it a trick to keep me off the path to reconciliation? I am so confused.
The worst part is that I don't understand why I need to choose. I am an attractive man, and I enjoy a lot of benefit from my male life (great career, lots of money, meaningful friendships). I enjoy a lot of the positives of my masculinity, but there is a whole other side. I am soft and gentle. I love to love, and I love to be loved. I want nothing more than to be beautiful in someones eyes. I am feminine by nature, so much so that I have to make a conscious effort NOT to respond naturally to stimuli. I'm also pretty cute (well... :) I think so). So why can't I be both?
Why should any of us have to choose? What is wrong with living my life along the line that I instinctively see in front of me? I'm not entirely anything. So, why can't I be who I am... someone who resides comfortably in between?
Just a thought.
This was less nonsensical than I thought it would be. I was really drunk last night. I planned to apologize for and try to explain this post. Ironically, I didn't do nearly as badly as I expected!
ReplyDeleteYay me!
I've been seeing a strong analogy lately of transition as this tremendous pendulum. We've spent half our life swinging towards the masculine extremes. Then slowly, painfully we start swinging back towards a feminine side we've yet to experience. We get this momentum going that propels us nearly of it's own accord.
ReplyDeleteAnd to me, the duality suks, frankly. How much wasted time and heartache could have been saved for so many of us if we didn't get pinned into one of two boxes to begin with?
I've swung a great measure towards the feminine way, I don't want to swing back towards masculine again. Really, I'm tired of the constraints of one or the other; I want to detach myself from the leader and let my essential mass find it's own place.
I am so sorry for your confustion and struggles. You are not alone, Kate. Really. More people struggle with what is the "purpose" of their life. I too, believe, that everything happens for a reason - and yet, I do not and still canNOT comprehend the things that have happened to me in my life - especially the bad.
ReplyDeleteAll I know to do is to get up each day and do my best to not only face it, but make the best of it.
Hang in there!