Sunday, May 10, 2009

Sex and the...

Greetings all, and welcome back to T.E.

I was dwelling a little last night on the topic of sex. Oddly, this is not something that I think about very often - I think a LOT about feelings of loneliness and the longing for intimacy, but sex is rarely a topic for consideration. I wouldn't suggest that sex isn't an interest, but it is certainly very low on my list of priorities, especially right now. Honestly, I've lived a relatively asexual life, and for the most part this doesn't bother me.

The problem I have is that sex, and really, attraction is very confusing. I am attracted to men in general, but seldom to any man specifically. I am also intensely interested in women, and I suspect that I am bisexual leaning slightly to the lesbian side of things. Here's where it gets confusing though. While I am incessantly interested in women, and often even attracted to them, I never know quite what those feelings mean. It's a phenomenon my ex-wife and I coined "The Do or Be Conundrum." See, when I look at a woman, I'm never really sure whether my interest stems from the desire to have relations with her (do) or from the desire to embody her femininity (be). Shut up! I thought it was pretty clever.

In a similar vein, my attraction to men falls all over the map emotionally. In all honesty, I think that my interest relates more to the idea of behaving as a "normal" woman, than it necessarily does to the idea of actually being intimate with a man. I think this is why I seldom feel any real attraction to specific men, (Except for David Duchovny, of course - he can have me any time and anywhere!) even though a majority of my fantasies (though the sexual ones are very few and far between) center on intimacy with a man. It's all very confusing.

In the end, it is usually just simpler not to think about it, so generally, I don't. When I do ponder the idea of sexuality, I often wonder if I would feel less confusion without the presence of a physiological response to stimuli, but ironically, that physiological response is relatively equal regardless of the gender of the specific stimulus. I suppose that makes it a non-factor, but still I wonder. Without the "offending organ," would I find women attractive? I suspect I would.

Your thoughts?



  1. I don't think your feelings are in any way confusing. I have felt the same way forever (I am 51 years old).
    I learned early on that my body reacts to both men and women. It's what happens between my ears that is unusual. When I am with a woman I have always fantasized that I am her in our relations. As a matter of fact I always close my eyes and imagine that I am being penetrated or I am performing orally on a man.

    I guess the same thing occurred when I was with men. I also fantasized that I was a woman and it was a normal hetero relationship.

    Recently I decided that part of our sexuality is conditioned on our socialization. And most of us missed growing up and socializing as young women so when we transition we often start from scratch.

  2. I don't think I have this nailed down perfectly myself, but in the past 3 years I've done enough exploring (ok, at times it was a lot) sexually to make some observations.

    Overall, I find it ironic that as people who strive to have others see gender and sexuality as fluid, we still end up deciding our sexuality based on our partners gender.

    As Anonymous mentioned, I think we each have to go back and reevaluate our sexuality in light of this new freedom of self. Living as men, we typically have had enough exposure to women sexually to know what we like or dislike in that arena; it leaves a lot of exploring with men to do. Of course for our FTM brethren, we would flip that coin.

    What I've finally surmised for myself from my own exploration, is that I'm really back where I started from. I have no preference sexually! If I have to be restricted to just one person as a life partner (and that is another kettle of fish that is by no means decided), I'd prefer it be someone who was a melding of gender.!
    We're all big kids here, we know there are other means to accomplish the mechanical aspects of "Tab A in Slot B". Personally, I have a polyamorous nature that would be very happy with more than one life partner. Sex is not the point of this, but it could well have the added advantage of providing a wider range of choices sexually in the relationship.

    At the very least, I'd like a single life partner who was willing to at least occasionally bring another play partner into our mix.

    As to the "Do or Be" question (I had it too), I found it's largely resolved itself. I still love being with a female, but I see myself as female too. I'm not enjoying her vicariously as a female, I am female. And goodness, lesbians are fun!

    Word verification: reene- Itsy bitsy teenie reene, yellow polka dot bikini.....


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