Kate's Transgender FAQ

This was my most recent post on Facebook following the "big reveal" to my family.  I felt it was time to let everyone else know the story behind what they were seeing.  I hope you will take the time to read it (sorry, it's long) and let me know what you think!


Ciao,
Kate

Kate’s Transgender FAQ

I have recently begun to broadcast a number of “changes” in my life through Facebook.  Some among my friends understand exactly what is going on, but these changes are very likely vague and somewhat puzzling for many of you.  Now that I have handled some of the “high priority” communications, I can safely share more information with you all in the hope that you may better understand what is happening.  

In a nutshell, I am transgendered and have begun to work toward a full time transition to life in my correct gender.  This is not a new discovery or any kind of spur of the moment decision.  This is a reality I have struggled with all my life.

I’ve provided, following, a list of some common questions I have been asked in conversations with people I have told personally about this transition.  This is by no means a complete list, and it may just spur more questions than it answers.  Still, I hope that it provides at least a little better understanding for those who want to know.  If you do have other questions, please don’t hesitate to ask.  I will be happy to help you understand as much as I possibly can.

The Most Frequently Asked Questions:

What do you mean “transgendered?”

The word transgender is a blanket term that refers to a whole spectrum of gender identity issues.  It’s a very generic way to describe what is going on with me.  To be more specific, I am a woman born with a male body who is taking steps to correct those birth irregularities.  I am actively working toward a goal of living full time in my correct gender.  The process varies by individual, but for me will include psychological, chemical, surgical, and cosmetic procedures intended to ease the process of integrating into daily life.

So, you like to dress up like a girl?

Well, technically I guess that is accurate… especially when it comes to shoes; but it’s a little short-sighted.  The thing to understand is that in every way other than physically, I am a woman.  How I dress is really just an extension of that fact.  So, yes, I do like to dress in MY clothes.  If I didn’t like them, I wouldn’t have bought them!

How long have you known?

I have known about this in one way or another for as long as I can remember.  Of course, as a child, I didn’t have the tools or experience to fully understand the issue (or that I wasn’t the only one dealing with these feelings), but I always knew that I was supposed to be a girl.  I have specific memories that range as far back as Kindergarten and vague recollections prior to that.

Are you gay?

Okay, why does everyone go there?  This has nothing to do with sexual expression, preference, or what I like to do in bed.  This is who I am as a person – it’s about how I think and feel, and how I interact with the world.  Sex has nothing to do with it.  If you must know, I love my wife; so I suppose that makes me a lesbian.

What does your family think about all this?

I told them.  If I ever hear anything from them, I’ll let you know.  The good news is that I have a huge family of loving and supportive friends who start with my wife, and even include my ex-wife.  Yes, seriously.  I have all the support I could ever dream of regardless who among my genetic family chooses to embrace me.  I once read that if a woman wasn’t prepared to lose everything she held dear, then she wasn’t prepared to transition.  I am prepared.

Wait, so you’re going to cut “it” off? (I tend to get a little sensitive about "genital" questions, so I'm sorry if my answer may seem a little vulgar; but if you're asking, you deserve the truth.)

Umm, that’s not exactly correct.  An accurate question would be “Wait, so you’re going to filet “it,” gut “it,” and shove what’s left up inside?”  And the answer is… I’m not sure yet.  See the last Q&A for further information.

What about your wife?

My wife is my soul mate, my life partner, my rock and my anchor, and the love of my life.  She has seen through to Kate since the day we met (I don’t know how, as conflicted as I was back then... Jamie is just that awesome).  I wouldn’t have the strength to do what I’m doing without the love and support (and the shoulder to cry on) that she offers me every moment of every day of my life.  She is the one person who has shown me that I can love me – the real me – and she is the one person who I know will always be by my side.

But you don’t act like a girl!

That is true.  The thing is I was bullied, tormented, and harassed by “normal people” all through childhood and into my teens.  I learned early and painfully that these feelings are not the kinds of things that make you popular with others.  I’ve had a lot of practice pretending to be someone I am not, and as I continued to immerse myself in my role over the years, everything from my job to my relationships became dependent on me playing that part.  In some respects it became comfortable, or at least safe, because people liked me that way (or at least, they didn’t torment me as much).  But, the stress of maintaining a Kyle persona all this time has generated nothing but negative feelings in my life.  In recent years, I’ve come to realize that I have been beating myself up for years to avoid letting other people beat me up.  I now understand that I do not control – nor do I particularly care – how other people feel about me.  As such, you will likely begin to notice a difference in my behavior as I shed those learned traits, and allow my true nature to show.  The most notable difference is that I am a much happier person.

Are you going to quit your job?

Honestly, this is an area I am still trying to figure out.  I know there are many examples of women who successfully transition without leaving their careers, but I am not entirely convinced I will be one of those women.  I like what I do, who I work for, and the company that employs me, and I seriously hope that my employers will embrace the same spirit of diversity that I so often hear preached from every corner of our organization.  That said, it is still very much a male dominated industry (especially in my area of responsibility), and I think I would be naive if I wasn’t at least a little dubious about how my particular situation will be viewed.  For the immediate future, my intention is to continue my employment for as long as physically possible without causing a stir (within “legal” and “procedural” protocols, of course).  At some point, I will no longer be physically capable of pretending to be Kyle during working hours.  Hopefully, I will have figured the rest out before then.

What do your kids say about all this?

Other than “I love you,” not much.  I love my children more than anything in this world (or out of it, for that matter).  The one thing I want them to know above all else is that I would never intentionally do anything to hurt them.  The things I'm doing now, I am doing because I have to in order to be the kind of person they would want in their lives... a happy and loving individual who can see past her own shortcomings to embrace their needs.  They know about me, and (I hope) they know they can talk to me whenever they feel the need.  Until then, I am trying to just let them work through things as they are ready and comfortable.

Aren’t you worried about what people will say about you?

If I worried about what people say, I would never have survived as a manager.  People have been talking about me all my life.  Since I entered management, everyone from people I don’t even know to people I considered friends have felt it okay to express opinions about me.  In many cases, those are less than favorable remarks at best.  It doesn’t bother me.  So, they have some new material.  So what?  I’m happy, and in the end, I know who my real friends are.

So, what are your plans?

This is another question I can only partially answer.  I ultimately plan to live my every day life in my correct gender – as Kate.  Whether that journey will include full SRS (sex reassignment surgery a.k.a. GRS, gender reassignment surgery), or something short of it, I do not yet know.  Honestly, I want to engage as few surgical options as possible, as surgery is traumatic and painful, and of course carries risk.  I will continue less devastating steps – therapy, hormone treatment, permanent hair removal, etc. – as long as needed.  I have definite plans to engage one surgical option as soon as financially possible, which is FFS, or facial feminization surgery.  This one step I feel is critical to my successfully integrating into my daily life as Kate.

I still have a number of issues / questions to resolve – what I will ultimately do for a living, for example – but I am confident that many of these questions will answer themselves as I move along this path.  My primary focus now is to take one step at a time, and to embrace the changes that come, whether those I initiate or those that happen.  And above all I plan to continue learning to love myself, and to love the people who love and are supporting me.

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These are the biggies that seem to come up in every conversation.  If you have others, please don’t hesitate to ask!

Much Love,

Kate

Thus ended the post to which I have received multiple supportive comments, and still nothing from the gene pool.  Que sera, sera.

Emotional Roller Coaster

Greetings friends.

The last few days have been extremely emotional for me.  A number of surprising things have happened this week; most of them very good.  As I'm sure you all know, I've been behaving rather boldly through my Facebook account for the past few weeks.  That boldness continued this weekend with my addition of the set of photos I shared with you all (actually I put them on Facebook first... nothing personal!).  This isn't the first time that I've put pictures of Kate on my Facebook account, but it is the first time that I did it without restricting any friend groups.  This meant that everyone including my work colleagues were able to view these.  This, of course, accompanies all of the very "female centric" posts and comments I've been sharing.

It would seem that my actions finally poked the right set of nerves for some of my colleagues, which led to yet another moment of intervention / fact sharing... I don't know what to call it.  We talked.  It started with a significant increase in the amount of talk around work about me (all of which I hear through "my sources").  From the talk, I knew that two of my management folks - who are among my Facebook friends - were at a point of needing to talk about it.  We made it all the way through Monday and half-way into Tuesday when one of them finally popped his head in my door and said "I'm thirsty," which is our code for "let's blow off work and go have a drink."  I honestly didn't have time for it, but I knew what was coming, so I asked him to give me a few minutes and I'd meet him at our normal spot.  I also asked him if our other colleague would be joining us.  He agreed that it would be a good idea, and we made the arrangement.

An important thing to understand is that I am a fairly crafty person.  I had spent a lot of time over the years feeling out beliefs and predilections, and making preliminary determinations of where my "trouble spots" would be when I finally moved forward with transition (yes, I pretty much do this with everyone).  "I'm thirsty" was one of the people I had determined would probably not be able to accept me.

It took a couple hours, but eventually the subject did come up, and to my shock and surprise, both of my colleagues pledged their unwavering support and friendship.  Noted, that "I'm thirsty" did admit that it was going to be a big struggle for him, but I cannot describe how impressed I am by his surprising display of friendship and support.  Of course, as all of these conversations do, this one ventured into all of the fact finding and personal exploration - how long have I known?  What does my family say?  What about my wife?  How far do I plan to take it?  When do I plan to tell my boss?  You can imagine.  The conversation lasted into the late evening hours, by which time, my wife and partner had joined us and was actually taking care of most of the conversation for me.

The night ended with both of my friends and colleagues assertion of their support and friendship, after which I went home and had a complete emotional meltdown.  I bawled for a solid hour, during which my wonderful partner gently held me and stroked my hair offering gentle encouragement.  I knew this was going to be hard.  I cannot begin to explain (or confirm, as I'm sure many of you have experienced or are experiencing the same thing) the toll these conversations take on a girl's psyche.  With each discussion, I essentially relive all the struggles and all the hardships.  I have to revisit the rejections and the hurdles.  I am forced to reconsider decisions and discuss timing and next steps.  The good news is that my resolve has never been stronger.  The only thing that really scares me now is that I know the conversations only get more difficult from here.

I have handled the easy people - the acquaintances, the long distance friends, the people who already knew or I already knew would support me.  Now we're down to employers and the "untouchable" family members.  My mom.  Ugh.

In other news, my brave and beautiful partner had surgery yesterday (yes, I had to drive her to the surgery center with a terrible hangover from the previous night's unplanned adventure).  It was relatively minor surgery, but it did involve actually cutting two bones, so she is in a considerable amount of pain right now.  The surgery was successful and no complications, so that is good.  All that said, from the moment I saw her in her little surgical gown and cap, I've been fighting not to cry.  I'm trying to keep a brave face, but every time I look at her, I have to fight back tears.  I guess I'm just not used to seeing her weak.  She is so strong; she is my rock and my protector, and she has been by my side supporting me from practically the moment we met.  I know how much she hates feeling weak, and I know how badly she just wants to be back on her feet; and that breaks my heart.

Please keep her in your thoughts as she continues to heal and regain strength.

And have a wonderful week!

Oh, oh!  One last note (sorry, this has been long one already!): following all the turmoil Tuesday night, I made one other change.  My name... well, on Facebook anyway.  I finally changed my first name on my Facebook account from Kyle to Kate.  I had converted the email address a few weeks ago, but no one really sees that.  There is no more hiding, everyone who knows me (on FB, anyway) now knows Kate.

Ciao,
Kate

May 7 Girls' Night

My partner and I went out last night for a little "girls' night."  As always, we had a few drinks, enjoyed a good show, and had a ton of fun.  Already looking forward to the next round! :)  I have plenty to share, but I need to keep it brief tonight... so how about a few pictures and a promise for a more complete update soon?  Super, you all are so amazing!  Ciao!


May 7, Girls' Night:

I hope everyone had a great weekend!  Until next time, take care!


Kate

Just a Few Updates

You will recall the rather rash move I made a couple weeks back posting a very pointed statement on my Facebook account.  I just wanted to share some of the feedback I've received related to that post.  I've attempted to cover specific identities in the interest of my friends' safety.  I know YOU guys are all trustworthy... it's THOSE OTHER guys I worry about! :)

Here is the string that pretty quickly followed my post:

It is so amazing to have such wonderful friends.  I would note that the second from the last comment is from my ex-spouse and Mother of my two wonderful daughters.  The other interesting note is that not a single family member (blood relation... sisters, brothers, cousins, etc.) commented on this post.  It would seem that the great wall of denial still stands strong!  Oh well.

I read once that before one could truly say she was ready to transition, she first had to know that she would be willing to give up everything to do it.  I hope that my relatives will eventually come around - especially my mother and siblings - but the good news is that I have the support of my children and a whole slew of people close to me.  I am prepared for "the worst," and I am at peace with the possibility that I will lose many relationships (among other things) through the course of this transition, but I am very happy to know that I have support and that I won't lose everyone!


In other news, going out tonight!  Very excited about that.  I have the cutest new dress that I cannot WAIT to show off.  I'll try to post some pictures.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend!

Hugs,
Kate

The book that provided the above insight regarding transition (proceeds from purchases of this book (through my link) will go toward the "FFS for Katey" fund - hee hee!):

My Most Recent Facebook Update

My facebook account is the one place I have remained mostly boy over the last several years.  This is largely due to the fact that I am connected to pretty much everyone from work colleagues to family on this account, so it is visible to a large "unknowing" population.  Over the last few months, I have been making a careful and gradual shift, moving the "unknowing" to at least "suspecting."


I know it's weird... but you have to know my family.  Trust me, I know what I'm doing.  I am an evil super-genius after all.


My latest status update:


"Okay world, hear me now. I will never again apologize for who I am. I am proud to be the person you see before you, and I am even more proud of the person you will see emerging from behind the masks that used to hide her. Like me or don't; that is for your conscience to carry - not mine. I love me."


What do you think? :)


Hugs,
Kate

The Cruise Heard Round the World

Hello again!

I just had to stop by and share a little more about the vacation we just enjoyed.  Seriously, I’m not trying to rub it in, so I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m bragging!  This was without a doubt the most wonderful vacation I have ever enjoyed.  The fact that we returned to a house with no drainage and sewage coating our tubs and showers (long story) couldn’t even mess it up.  The plumber is back again today trying to fix the problem permanently (why I am “free” to post today rather than working in my office).  In fact, the plumbing devastation served only to extend our wonderful respite.  We booked a night in a very chic hotel, enjoyed a wonderful dinner in the Town Square, and stumbled upon an art show where we spent the rest of the evening and the better part of the following day.  We met some wonderful artists, and I’m already rethinking my paint scheme for the house in order to encompass some new works.

The thing, I think, that has been most amazing about this vacation is the lasting effect it has had on my general outlook.  I will qualify by saying that I am cautiously optimistic; I’ve had mini-revelations in the past that have faded over time.  Hopefully this is a real turning point… or next step for me.  There is no question the impact is real.  I simply do not want to “hide” any more.  Not that I ever wanted to hide; I just never felt secure enough to live out loud.  I don’t feel the same weights holding me down any more.  I feel more like me, and I feel more open to allowing people to experience me.  So far, the results have been incredible (well, for me anyway).

An example: earlier today, I ran to the store to pick up a few things.  While at the store I noticed some super cute belts that were on clearance, so I found a couple that fit me (love them!) and tossed them in my basket.  The very friendly clerk at the checkout mentioned how cute she thought one of the belts was, and we launched into an entire conversation about just how cute they were, what sizes were back there, why I chose one over the other, and so on.  I left absolutely no question for whom I was purchasing the belts, and I felt no unease about the conversation.  In fact, it was entirely pleasant; we were both smiling and laughing the whole time!  Just a few weeks ago, I would have struggled even to make eye contact when making that purchase; and I would have been absolutely mortified by the idea of standing there in the aisle trying the different belts on… which is exactly what I did!

There have been countless examples like this in the few short days I have been back.  My partner bought me a gorgeous bracelet a while back that she had engraved with my name – “Kate.”  Before the cruise, I wore it around the house.  Now, except at work, I almost always have it on no matter where I am.  Likewise, I have all but stopped wearing boy jeans, and, again except at work, I almost always wear a bra.  Even in a sports bra (which I wear to the gym) my figure is pretty noticeable, so there is no hiding.  And you know what?  It feels great!

 

Sure I get a few “interested” glances now and then; the grumpy old greeter at the store practically scowled at me as he muttered the “friendly” hello that is his job to offer entering shoppers.  I notice, but it does not phase me.  I can neither control how someone sees me (regardless of my presentation), nor do I really care what they think.  To be honest, I had to chuckle as I briefly considered giving him a flirtatious bat of the eyelashes.  I passed on the idea, but I had a good laugh at least.  The key is the encounter did not devastate as before.  The only affect was to entertain my rather twisted sense of humor.  That is a HUGE change for me.

Hmm, I guess this post wasn't really about the vacation.  Sorry about that.

I hope you are all having a wonderful week!

Hugs,
Kate

Just Got Back From a Long Vacation

Hello Friends!


My partner and I just returned from a glorious five day Caribbean cruise.  Here we are at the site of a Mayan village on the Yucatan Peninsula:

It was easily the most wonderful vacation I have ever experienced.  Not only did we have an amazing time with lots of outrageous fun and adventures, we met some really neat people who will hopefully become good friends; and that's not even the best part.  The best part is that I didn't once feel like I was pretending to be a boy.  Don't misunderstand, I didn't actually take the full plunge and go entirely female; I did however drop the masks I usually wear.  Gone were the "macho-isms" of normal daily life, gone was the clothing that masks my budding figure, and gone were the inhibitions and fears that I live with almost every day.  I was just me, and it felt great!


I did take one little adventure while on the ship. :)  We spent a morning sunbathing on the upper deck of the ship.  No boundaries... I wore my bikini and some eye makeup.  It was amazing!  (I was even called "Ma'am" once, though I'm sure he was just being polite.  Passing was not my objective, so it didn't matter.)  We didn't get any photos on deck, but here are a couple from the day before when we were just lounging around on our balcony.

I really feel like I made some great strides over the last week.  I have never felt so free.


Thoughts?


Hugs,
Kate