Thursday, June 16, 2011

Insecurity and Silliness

Some days are just hard.  I’ve had a lot of those days lately, but I can handle bad days.  I have love, friendship, and an amazing support network.  Bad days are no match for the blessings in my life.  Still, even on good days; there are some things that really have a way of bringing me down.  Pronouns, in particular, can be real pests.

As I consider all the reasons that I haven’t yet taken the step of presenting publicly as female, one reason stands above the rest.  I am afraid that even once I go all the way, someone somewhere is going to call me “sir” and shatter my bubble.  Most of the time, I am wearing primarily women’s clothing.  I carry a purse and wear makeup.  I wear bracelets and earrings.  My hair is still short, and I usually have on a t-shirt rather than a blouse.  Still, I am dressed no differently from the majority of the women around me.  I even have (small but) noticeable boobs for crying out loud!  I am addressed as “sir” without exception.

Yesterday, dressed as I normally do, I introduced myself as Kate (no, I hadn’t put on makeup... the morning got away from me, and I knew that I was going to end up oily anyway… we were having a massage).  I even filled out forms using Kate as my name, and still the people in the spa used male pronouns to address and / or refer to me.  I’ve seen so many women who are significantly more “butch” than I have ever been who are not mistaken for men.  What the hell is the secret?  I just don’t get it.

The ironic thing is that I have no issue being out and about looking the way I do, I really give very little thought to the notion of walking into a store or a restaurant carrying my purse, for example.  I don’t care that people see me as an effeminate male, but I’m really afraid of being seen as anything other than a woman when I actually give it my full effort.  I know, I know – get over it, right?  I will.  I hope.

Much love,
Kate

1 comment:

  1. It's always harder in the beginning. I looked at it as paying my dues but it still hurt. No one makes a great painting just by buying the supplies. It takes a lot of practice. Learning and unlearning. Continued correction of our mistakes.

    At least you're brave enough to get out there and take it. That is major part of the battle.

    ReplyDelete

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Kate