Thursday, June 16, 2011

Insecurity and Silliness

Some days are just hard.  I’ve had a lot of those days lately, but I can handle bad days.  I have love, friendship, and an amazing support network.  Bad days are no match for the blessings in my life.  Still, even on good days; there are some things that really have a way of bringing me down.  Pronouns, in particular, can be real pests.

As I consider all the reasons that I haven’t yet taken the step of presenting publicly as female, one reason stands above the rest.  I am afraid that even once I go all the way, someone somewhere is going to call me “sir” and shatter my bubble.  Most of the time, I am wearing primarily women’s clothing.  I carry a purse and wear makeup.  I wear bracelets and earrings.  My hair is still short, and I usually have on a t-shirt rather than a blouse.  Still, I am dressed no differently from the majority of the women around me.  I even have (small but) noticeable boobs for crying out loud!  I am addressed as “sir” without exception.

Yesterday, dressed as I normally do, I introduced myself as Kate (no, I hadn’t put on makeup... the morning got away from me, and I knew that I was going to end up oily anyway… we were having a massage).  I even filled out forms using Kate as my name, and still the people in the spa used male pronouns to address and / or refer to me.  I’ve seen so many women who are significantly more “butch” than I have ever been who are not mistaken for men.  What the hell is the secret?  I just don’t get it.

The ironic thing is that I have no issue being out and about looking the way I do, I really give very little thought to the notion of walking into a store or a restaurant carrying my purse, for example.  I don’t care that people see me as an effeminate male, but I’m really afraid of being seen as anything other than a woman when I actually give it my full effort.  I know, I know – get over it, right?  I will.  I hope.

Much love,

1 comment:

  1. It's always harder in the beginning. I looked at it as paying my dues but it still hurt. No one makes a great painting just by buying the supplies. It takes a lot of practice. Learning and unlearning. Continued correction of our mistakes.

    At least you're brave enough to get out there and take it. That is major part of the battle.


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